Haystack of Light

New Site: Feed Links

2010-01-18T13:51:00.004-07:00

Hello Friends!

I don't know how many of you are still subscribed to the Haystack ... but it was brought to my attention last week by a friend, that she had subscribed to my new blog but was not getting any new posts in her Reader. Is anyone else having the same trouble? If so, will you let me know? I've posted 3 times since my TV appearance last week so if you haven't seen those come through ... then it looks like something is broken with my feed.

Here is the link to add KristaMaurer.com to your reader: THE FEED LINK. And here is the direct link for any blog rolls you may need to update manually: http://www.kristamaurer.com

I've checked this a couple times now on my computer and both links (feed and site) seem to be working. If it's still not working for you, you might try "clearing your cache." Just go to the "Tools" button in your computer menu and there should be an option to "clear cache" or "update private data." Sometimes your computer thinks it's being smart and "holding onto" certain pages for you rather than looking them up new every time to visit them. Periodically, the computer will clear itself to stay updated, but I find it helpful to do it myself occasionally too. It's almost like a "refresh" button in a sense. And don't worry, you won't loose anything by clearing your cache. Doing this will just help your computer read the now-working links correctly.

And if all else fails, you can just go to the new site HERE and click on the orange RSS button on the right side of the navigation menu (just to the right of the word "archives"). That button will also take you straight to the feed.

And just as a side note ... I know the new site may look slick, but I hope you also know that I'm not too fancy to know that I still need you friends. I really hope you stick with me through all this. I've missed hearing from you.

xo,
Krista

The Only Contant is Change

2010-01-11T23:27:00.004-07:00

Well. It's 11:30 p.m., my TV appearance is tomorrow (!) and I still have a couple hours worth of work to get done before I'm ready for my segment. I'm excited and nervous and tired all at the same time. It's been a pretty crazy few days since they booked me ... getting everything ready, making final decisions about the direction I'm going with this new life of mine, etc.

So this here post is to let you know about a few things ... well, only 1 thing really:

1. I am moving. No. Not that kind of moving. I'm moving cyber homes. You can find me from here on out at KristaMaurer.com. Wow. It finally seems real, now that I'm telling you. And it's funny how bittersweet it feels. I'm excited about what this new site means for me, but it's sad to have to let go of the Haystack.

If you remember, this little site got me writing again. It guided me out of a funk that I'd been in for a couple years. It was my lifeline. My life-saver. And you, my friends, were there all the way.

But now it's time to do something different. And while change is hard, I'm looking forward to this new life, the opportunities it's awarding me, and the chances I'm now able to take.

I do hope you'll follow me over to my new spot. I wouldn't want to do it without you.

xo,
Krista

p.s. Uncle Scott: can you please update the shortcut you put on Granddad's computer so that they can get to my new site? Thanks! :)

Holy Cannoli. I'm Going to Be on Good Things Utah Next Week!

2010-01-07T11:19:00.004-07:00

Yes! You read that title correctly. I am going to be on Good Things Utah next Tuesday, January, 12! The show airs live at 10 a.m. MST on channel 4 (ABC). I don't know what time my segment will be exactly, but I'm being featured as a fabric craft expert with tips (and a step-by-step project) for home decor.

Can you believe this?! I've been a beach bum, sans the beach, this week, and I've got to kick it into high gear ASAP. Things to do:

1. Finish my designs and a step-by-step tutorial for the featured project
2. Get my website finished!
3. Send the producer talking points and a bio for the segment
4. Find something cute to wear (this should probably be #1)
5. Film a practice segment at home and critique myself so I don't look like a total oaf on camera
6. Figure out what to do with my hair

This is going to be SO fun!

(AND I'll get to cross #70 off of my 101 in 1001 List! Who knew THAT would happen so quickly!)

p.s. if you live out of state: Good Things Utah is the #1 rated lifestyle/variety show here in UT. They usually upload the segments to their website in the days follow the taping so I'll be sure to post a link for you as soon as it's up. That is, as long as I'm not a bumbling fool.

Family Photo Shoot on Hilton Head Island [The Ryan Clan]

2010-01-06T11:50:00.007-07:00

While I was home over the Christmas holiday, the Ryan family contacted me to take their family pictures.

We used the beach as our setting (of course) and I'm officially in love with family photos at the ocean's edge. Here are some of my favorites ...

Contact me to schedule your own family portrait session.

Triathlon 2010: Resurrecting Beyonce

2010-01-05T14:00:00.002-07:00

So training for the race in May began yesterday and all I want to know is:

WHY didn't I keep riding the bike after the last race was over?! What was I thinking?! Building bum callouses is torture. And here I am, having to do it all over again. But(t) thankfully Beyonce was with me. And homegirl didn't let me down. "Survivor" was on repeat for the last 15 minutes of my ride and I ROCKED it. Thanks B! (I call her "B" all the time. We're tight like that.)

But lest you think that's the only song I have, here is the rest of my Triathlon Training Playlist titled: Resurrecting Beyonce

1. Wannabe / Spice Girls
2. Spice Up Your Life / Spice Girls
3. I Wanna Dance With Somebody / Whitney Houston
4. Gettin' Jiggy Wit It / Will Smith
5. Eye of the Tiger / Survivor
6. More Than Yesterday / Spiral Starecase
7. Together Forever / Rick Astley
8. Life is a Highway (Movie Version) / Rascal Flatts
9. Step By Step / New Kids On the Block
10. Miss Independent / Ne-Yo
11. Bye Bye Bye / 'N Sync
12. Haven't Met You Yet / Michael Buble
13. Suddenly I See / KT Tunstall
14. Survivor / Destiny's Child
15. Sunny Day / Joy Williams
16. Charmed Life / Joy Williams
17. One Step At a Time / Jordin Sparks
18. One And Only / Jenny Jordan Frogley
19. Never Be Another / Jenny Jordan Frogley
20. Don't Stop Believin' / Glee Cast
21. Summertime / DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince
22. Dreamer / Chris Brown
23. Every Little Step / Bobby Brown
24. Crazy In Love / Beyonce
25. Cruel Summer / Ace of Base

I have to have a beat to follow when I'm working out, otherwise I'm a wimp. And if you know these songs, you can see (aside from how totally random it is) that the BPM (beats per minute) are all over the spectrum. So what I'll do is up the resistance if it's a slower song and lower the resistance if it's a faster song. That way my heart rate stays up and I get a little strength training in along with the cardio. I also don't listen straight through. I jump around and sometimes I'll keep it on repeat if I get in a really good groove with one particular song.

Hope this helps any of you who are training for the race too!

And do tell (any of you with a workout playlist): What's your favorite song to work out to? I'm always updating to this list and would love your recommendations!

Dear Darling {2}

2010-01-05T07:00:00.006-07:00

Dear Darling,

This won't be long. Just a short note to make a quick request ...

Please let there be dancing. Lots, and lots of dancing.

In the kitchen after the dishes are done. In the bathroom while I’m brushing my hair. Right before we climb into bed. On your way out the door in the morning. Under the bistro lights on the patio, me in my cotton sundress and you in that jeans-and-white-T-shirt combo that gets me all hot and bothered, barefoot and in love.

Catch me off guard. Grab my hand. Circle your arms 'round my waist and pull me in. Search my eyes in that way you do and then pull me closer. I don’t want to know where I end and you begin. And just keep me there ok? Slowly swaying, back and forth, round and round. Music or not.

Do you promise?

Just let there be dancing. Lots, and lots of dancing.

I love you, you know.

xo,
me

Monday Morning Email Exchange

2010-01-04T14:30:00.004-07:00

To: Kim Olsen
From: Krista Maurer
Date: Monday, January 4, 2010, 9:34 a.m.
Subject: Monday Morning

My toes are frozen and I'm wondering where my Snuggie is.

I ate Cheerios and an egg for breakfast but I pretended it was chocolate cake.

Am trying to will myself to the gym but I just feel like going back to bed.

Deleted all but one of my new eHarmony matches. How is it that all of these guys are so dang short?

Hoping you're having a great day at work, but wishing you were home to play with me all day.

love,
Kristafer

To: Krista Maurer
From: Kim Olsen
Date: Monday, January 4, 2010, 9:46 a.m.
Subject: RE: Monday Morning

It took me almost an hour to get from 500 South to 600 North.

Allison is out doing visits. Cathy is in a meeting.

One nurse called in sick and we have 1400 patients to see.

And apparently I'm the only one who can answer questions today.

Wishing I was home playing. :)

love,
Frit

To: Kim Olsen
From: Krista Maurer
Date: Monday, January 4, 2010, 10:19 a.m.
Subject: RE: RE: Monday Morning

Sorry about the nurse shortage on a day with 1400 patient visits. They are fools who ought to be flogged. (The nurses that is, not the patients.)

It's a good thing you have all the answers to all the questions, boss lady.

You also have a pretty face. It should be on a Christmas card.

I just heard an F-16 just fly over our house. Speaking of ... I really just need to nab me a pilot. And yes. I know what they sound like. (The F-16's that is, not the pilots.)

I am going to the gym. I am going to the gym. I am going to the gym.

later,
Kristafer

p.s. Don't kill anyone today ok? No matter how stupid they are. You should always sit on something like that for at least 24 hours before acting on it.

101 Things to Do in 1001 Days

2010-01-04T07:00:00.005-07:00

Maybe you don't care. But I think you might. And if you don't, I'll just pretend like you do.

So this year, in addition to a few well thought out and planned New Year's Resolutions, I made a list of 101 things I want to do, see, accomplish, or experience in the next 1001 days. I know! It's ca-razy huh! But I saw this on another blog (Sorry. I can't for the life of me remember where.) and I thought it looked like an amazing thing to try ... I mean, do. I'm all about positive thinking, affirmations, verb tenses with intent, and the like these days. It is the New Year after all.

So here's my list:

1. Write & publish a book
2. Record a CD
3. Start a business
4. Sorry, this one is secret
5. Sell a piece of my art
6. Hike to a waterfall
7. Visit a continent I've never been to
8. Another secret
9. Plan an elaborate and elegant dinner party
10. Learn French
11. Take a dance class
12. Learn how to put up jam
13. Go to New York City (I've never been!)
14. Become a regular yoga student
15. Go to a BYU football game (I haven't been since I graduated. Sad!)
16. Visit a state I haven't been to yet
17. Go on a picnic
18. Visit my mission (Washington)
19. Get my recipes organized
20. Read all 100 books on the Best Literature List
21. Learn to grill
22. Go to Paris
23. Be kissed (It's been a while. Double sad.)
24. Drive the west coast highway
25. Go to a ML baseball game
26. Hostess a summer BBQ
27. Get a story printed in a major magazine
28. Skinny dip (Can I print that? I love skinny dipping!)
29. Learn how to make tarts
30. Upload 1 recipe a month to Tasty Kitchen
31. Write a letter once a month
32. Get my scrapbooks organized
33. Get my room organized (once and for all!)
34. Get my office space and studio organized
35. Learn how to dive
36. Write a poem/day for 30 days
37. Buy Photoshop & InDesign
38. Shadow a photographer I admire
39. Teach a class (non-Church)
40. Set up KristaMaurer.com
41. Update my wardrobe
42. Hostess a tea party
43. Go to the temple every week for a year
44. Visit all the LDS temples in Utah
45. Go to an amusement park
46. Visit the aquarium
47. Visit the planetarium
48. RUN a 5K (the whole thing)
49. Make Julia Child's Beef Bourguignon
50. Finish another triathlon (in better time)
51. Take a photography class
52. Get a pedicure
53. Sew a quilt
54. Do something for a good cause
55. Grow peonies
56. Take a design class
57. Ski (I am scared to death!)
58. Memorize The Living Christ
59. Memorize The Family Proclamation
60. Start/Keep a journal (with the stuff I can't/won't publish here)
61. Write a song
62. Be in a musical
63. Knit something (other than a scarf or hat. Been there, done that.)
64. Learn (and play for an audience) a new piano piece
65. Get the piano tuned
66. Start a writing group
67. Play tennis more regularly
68. Do genealogy (1x/quarter)
69. Make a budget and stick to it
70. Be featured in the media
71. Send someone flowers
72. Send a message in a bottle
73. Learn basic guitar
74. Sleep under the stars
75. Learn how to fillet a fish
76. Play in a rainstorm
77. Don't use car for one week
78. Ride a horse
79. Learn how to make chamomile tea from scratch
80. Send an anonymous letter to someone
81. Go to a concert
82. Get a new car
83. Eat vegetarian for a week
84. Refinish a piece of furniture
85. "Unplug" for a week (no phone, no computer, no internet, no TV, no iPod)
86. Ride on a subway
87. Take pictures of my sisters and parents
88. Float in the Great Salt Lake
89. Collect fall leaves and press them
90. See a movie at a drive in
91. Learn how to make taffy
92. Buy a nice turquoise jewelry set
93. Buy a nice pearl jewelry set
94. Start a non-profit organization
95. Illustrate a children's book
96. Go to a spa
97. Sing karaoke at a real karaoke club
98. Another secret goal
99. Record a podcast
100. have 6 months expenses in savings
101. Go fly fishing

3 days down. 998 to go. Which means I have to finish this list sometime by September 27, 2012.

p.s. Happy New Year! Hope you partied harder than me. I was out by 10:30. haha!

I'm Going to Shave My Legs for New Year's Eve. What're YOUR plans?!

2009-12-31T17:40:00.005-07:00

Well.

I left this:

for this:

And oddly enough, it's ok. I shoveled the driveway this morning and thoroughly enjoyed it. Shoveling is one of those tasks that, for me, is incredibly therapeutic. I know most people don't shovel like I do--I'm meticulous and precise and have to get all the snow off the cement, or at least as much as I can, and I try to be as exact as possible in keeping the snow banks in line with the curb or edge of the sidewalk. (Can we say OCD?) Anyhow, I love tasks like that.

And now it's New Year's Eve. (How did that happen?)

We were going to hostess a party, but that never came together. Then I was going to cook a fancy dinner for just the two of us (one that we could get really dressed up for), but that fell through. Then we were going to invite the neighbors over, open house style, for cider and doughnuts, from 8:00 to midnight, and that fell through too.

So here I am, sitting in my skivvies, crossing things off the list (and adding more to it) of things to get done whilst I ring in the New Year.

And oddly enough, it's ok. It's perfect, actually. Here's where I'm at so far:

1. Clean the kitchen (DONE)
2. Clean the downstairs bathroom (DONE)
3. Clean my bathroom (DONE)
4. Unpack, do all laundry (IN PROCESS)
5. Shave my legs (DONE)
Nothing says, "Hello New Year! I'm ready for you.", like freshly shaved legs.
6. Go through dresser and closet: iron/refold/organize/downsize
7. Make a list of things to accomplish or learn in 2010
8. Make a list of all the things I accomplished or learned in 2009
9. Tidy my office nook
10. Go buy a new shower curtain liner
11. Toast the New Year (the sparkling cider is in the fridge, ready and waiting)

Here's hoping you're having as glamorous a New Year's Eve as me!

xo

Five Star Hilton Head Island Restaurant Tour: vol. 2, Truffles

2009-12-28T09:34:00.005-07:00

Doing a restaurant tour over a holiday vacation is a tricky thing. Apparently. There is still so much leftover turkey and stuffing in the fridge right now and we've eaten so much at every meal, opportunities (and desire) to eat out has not been as plentiful as I had anticipated.

But I do want to share a recent outing my mother and I enjoyed to Truffles. Truffles isn't necessarily an experience in Southern culinary indulgence, but it is delicious and unique to Hilton Head and so I do enjoy popping in for lunch every few trips home.

Truffles is located in Sea Pines Plantation on the south end of the island (with another cafe next to the Sea Shack and another over the bridge on the mainland). Bright paintings of florescent flamingos and palm trees add a certain beachy, but not gaudy, flair and the dimmed lighting mixed with natural light from two full walls of windows offers elegance but not stuffiness. A true representation of Hilton Head. It's a flip-flops sort of town, you know, but it's flip-flops with class. If that makes any sense.

Now onto the food...

I started with a cup of their tomato-dill soup.

And finished with the black bean burger and a side of sweet potato fries.

The burger was good, particularly due to the sauce they conconcted for it. But the soup ... the soup was heavenly, and if I could get ahold of a DeLorean I'd go back and cancel the black bean burger and instead, eat a bowl (or two) of the soup. I'm somewhat of a conessuier of tomato soups, if I do say so myself (and I do), and it was divine. Especially with their warm bread and herbed butter (oh the butter ... [sigh]).

Dessert was in the original plan, but upon second thought, we thought better. We. Were. Full. (Perhaps due, in part, to the bread and butter. Yes. Quite so.) So we left it at that. And that concluded our lunch at Truffles.

Bottom line: Do eat at Truffles, the next time you're on Hilton Head. Do eat their tomato-dill soup (lots of it). And do hide the butter in your handbag. You'll want it for later.

Street Signs on Hilton Head Island

2009-12-26T07:55:00.001-07:00

Who wouldn't want to live here?!

My Christmas Card for You

2009-12-24T20:02:00.003-07:00

I spent Christmas Eve on the boat with Dad. It's a rough life, I know.

Here's hoping you have a Christmas Eve filled with hot chocolate & twinkle lights, and a Christmas Day filled with lovely gifts, loved ones and lotsa turkey (& don't forget the pie!).

Butterflies on the Beach

2009-12-24T07:49:00.001-07:00

Charming, no?

(These were my favorite seashells to search for as a little girl.)

Five Star Hilton Head Island Restaurant Tour: vol. 1, The Sea Shack

2009-12-23T20:33:00.003-07:00

Every summer I worked for my dad on his boats. And every day at least one tourist would ask: Where do the locals love to eat?

Well, I thought while I was home this time around, I might share some of those favorite spots with you. You'd like that, right?

So to begin my "must-eat-here" Hilton Head Island Restaurant Tour, I give you:

The Sea Shack

Tucked away off New Orleans Rd. on the south end of our island, the Sea Shack would definitely be classifed as "hole in the wall" -- my favorite type of restaurant. Homey, no-frills, and dang-good food. The menu changes daily based on what's fresh...meaning fresh from the ocean. And of course, since this IS the South, there's lots 'o butter ("Buttuh, Buttuh, Buttuh"). You've just got to embrace the butter 'round these parts. And trust me. You'll be happy you did.

Today I had the grouper sandwich, grilled, with lettuce, tomato, onion, and tartar sauce (fyi: grouper is a type of fish indigenous to our warm ocean water.), with a side of macaroni & cheese (another Southern staple) and cheddar cheese corn bread.

I'd never had their cheddar cheese corn bread before, but it was wow. Not too dry, like some corn breads I've had before, with a medium cheddar flavor, and what looked (and tasted) like finely minced jalapeno and red pepper. And the mac & cheese...oh good gracious! I could have eaten a whole 'nother plate full. Creamy, smooth, and full of comfort. And a key lime pie for dessert. Wow. Wow. Wow. I might have licked the plate. Oh and did I mention the hush puppies? Might just have been the best hush puppies I've ever had. Truthfully. Maybe even better than Hudson's (which might be blasphemous to say). p.s. we'll get to Hudson's in another post.

My favorite Sea Shack item, however, is the sweet potato corn bread, and it wasn't on today's menu. Sad! But the cook said she'd make it tomorrow, so ... I'll be back for another round ... tomorrow. Hooray for Miss Betty (the cook)!

***
And then, after a filling, fully satisfying, finger licking, lip smacking lunch, I might have played for a while with the plastic lobster sitting on the shelf by our table. Yes. I might have done that.

So the moral of the story is ... whilst on Hilton Head, eat at the Sea Shack.

Dear Santa: My 2009 Christmas Wish List

2009-12-23T07:26:00.006-07:00

We're only a couple days away from Christmas and I haven't written my letter to Old Saint Nick yet! Oy Veh!

(I don't think I'm getting any of these, but a girl can dream right?)

1. A New Sewing Machine ... with all the bells and whistles

2. This Knife ... my kitchen told me we really needed it again the other day.

3. These bowls ... aren't they just so pretty!?

4. A tart pan ... I've set a goal to master tarts in 2010.

5. iTunes gift card ... I always need new music.

6. Julie & Julia ... no wait! Frit already got me this for Christmas, complete with a Julia Child cookbook. Oh how I love love this movie.

7. This necklace ... isn't it fantastic?! So sweet and romantic.
(And in fact, I have a crush on everything in this artist's shop)

And ... now I'm off to the beach! Have a lovely day!

Goin' to Carolina

2009-12-21T09:29:00.006-07:00

And not just "in my mind."

I am back home on Hilton Head Island for Christmas.

My days will be filled with wandering, beach-combing, boating, and filling my camera with all the lovely sights that I will inevitably miss when I'm frozen to the core in the middle of another Utah winter.

How is it that one place can be so delicious?

Salon Tantrum: All A Girl Needs Is a Really Good Haircut

2009-12-18T17:01:00.002-07:00

Ammon was the best hairdresser I've ever had in my life. He also might have been the most attractive man I've ever seen in my life. No joke. Just the thought of him standing over me washing my hair makes me need a cold shower. Holy Hannah. He is one good looking man.

But seriously. Looks aside--best hairdresser ever. He knew just how to cut my hair to make it lay perfect, even after just waking up. Every time he finished, I'd look in the mirror and love myself just a bit more than the last time I'd sat in his chair.

He was the first man to ever call me "sexy." And I believed him. And not just because of his blue eyes and cute tush and perfectly cut muscles that fell at the just the right spot under his short sleeve shirts. I believed him because I could see it too. My hair, was hot.

But Ammon broke up with his boyfriend and left all of us worshipers, ahem...clients, for the bright lights of New York City where he is now a stylist for the stars. Is it pathetic that Frit and I have actually talked about flying to New York just to have our hair cut (and washed) by Ammon?

Anyways, long story short, when Ammon left he recommended his clients to April--who was also great. It wasn't "Ammon hair" but it was still on the upper end of the hot hair spectrum. But then April moved her station to Salon Tantrum in Layton, UT and her prices increased significantly. I thought I couldn't justify it and so she recommended Melissa--who was also great. Again, not Ammon, nor April, but I still had pretty hair. But then Melissa switched to Salon Tantrum too, and left no recommendations.

So in July I went to some random hairdresser around the corner from my house. And I've hated my hair ever since. But as I was scheduled to fly home to South Carolina for the holidays, I needed to do something with the mop on top of my head. I broke down and made an appointment at Salon Tantrum. Not that I never wanted to be a "regular" there. I just thought I couldn't warrant the expense. But let me just tell you this: all a girl really needs is a good haircut. Forget chocolate. Forget men (not really. I just said that for effect). Forget high heels. Forget Spanx. Really. All a girl really needs is a good haircut (at a good salon).

Just imagine walking into the salon and being offered a glass of water infused with either citrus or cucumbers. Imagine laying back to have your hair washed and finding yourself resting on a warm towel (it really makes you all gooey inside in case you're wondering) and then not waking up the next morning with a sore neck from the sink because it was matched up perfectly with the chair. Imagine after getting your hair washed, having a warm towl carefully laid over your forehead and then getting a pressure point massage. As a sidenote: it was so fantastically cleansing and relaxing I was seriously on the brink of tears. And then imagine getting the best haircut and style this side of Ammon.

Best $50 I've ever spent.

***
Salon Tantrum did not ask for this endorsement.
Although they ought to give me a free haircut for this glowing review.
And you should go make an appointment. So you can feel super hot too.
Tell them Krista Maurer referred you.
Salon Tantrum, Layton, UT 801.776.1243

Become a Woman of Steel: Triathlon Registration is OPEN!

2009-12-15T12:28:00.003-07:00

Remember when I became a triathlete? i.e. a Woman of Steel? Ah yeeaah. Best. Day. Ever.

Well now it's time for you to become a Woman of Steel too. Registration for the 2010 race (on May 22 in American Fork, UT) is open now. Don't think about all the reasons you think you can't do this. Don't think about why you shouldn't. Just go sign up. Right now.

Click Here to Register

Are you still talking yourself out of it? Stop it! Seriously. You will be so happy you did this race. Yes. It is hard. Stinking hard. Yes. You will want to quit. Every mile. 'Specially the ones uphill. But you will also feel the most amazing rush of power and ability surge through you when you cross that finish line. Trust me.

And just know...You can totally do it. You can. It's only a 300 yard swim in a pool (and if you need to stop and stand up or walk a few yards to catch your breath, you can. You can even doggy paddle the swim if you don't know how to freestyle.), followed by a 12 mile bike ride, followed by a 3 mile run. It's a women-only race, so no worries about the big, huge, hulking men (although that might be quite nice, come to think of it). AND it's women of all ages, ability, shape, and size. Frit and I met a 16-year-old and a 76-year-old in line at the starting point this last year. And small people (like Frit) and not-so-small people (like me) can, and do, finish. It's just an all around amazing day that celebrates the strength of women.

So do it. Because you can.

Click Here to Register

And let me know if you do! We can all train together.

p.s. they also take relay teams if you're just completely scared to death of doing the whole thing yourself.

p.p.s. registration fills up fast so don't think too long about signing up. Frit and I had the alarms on our phones set to remind us to register today.

p.p.p.s. if you live out of state...Come! You can stay with us (is that ok Frit?) and it'll be awesome!

Looks Like It's Your Lucky Day

2009-12-15T10:02:00.003-07:00

See, here's the thing. I don't like to talk about dating. Partly because I don't know what to say about it. But mostly because it's difficult. It's like walking a tight rope. If you wobble or bobble and say the wrong thing you fall on one of two sides: a) the side where you're viewed as whiny and desperate and unsatisfied with your life because you don't have "someone" or b) the side where you're overly "fine" with your "situation" and don't appear to even need that "someone". And both, are dangerous.

Having said that, I need to explain some things about my perspective, which is LDS (Mormon). Most people who are not LDS would say that "30 and unmarried" isn't that big of a deal--that there's plenty of time. But the thing is, being "30 and unmarried" in the LDS faith is a bit of an anomaly. Most Mormons marry in their early 20's and begin families soon thereafter. And while that trend is shifting to where people are now marrying at slightly older ages, it still doesn't negate the emphasis our faith puts on the importance of family, regardless of age.

We believe--I believe-- that the family is central to our Heavenly Father's plan of happiness for us, His children. We believe that the greatest joys in life are to be found within the walls of our own homes. I know that to be true. And therein lies the foundation of my greatest wants.

And yet, beyond these matters of faith, there are also just the simple feelings of a girl's heart--a hopeless romantic girl's heart who wishes for someone to hold hands with and dance with late at night after all the dishes are done. Who wants to pack her love's lunch every morning and iron his shirts every afternoon. Who wants to have dinner waiting, along side a big fat kiss. Who wants evening walks and quiet talks right before she tucks her perpetually frozen feet in between his warm ones under the covers. Who wants Cherrios ground into the carpet and permanent marker on the walls. (And if anyone tells me I'm living in a dreamland, leave now please. You're not invited to read this blog anymore. I'm serious.) This girl has kept these feelings locked up tight for a while now, because it's too hard to feel them. It's just easier to avoid them and dive head first into the life I've been given, than to allow them to permeate the hours of daylight. It's easier to say, "it's fine. I'm happy. I love my life. What great things can I accomplish while I have this time?"

But that's the thing...I really am fine. I am happy. I do love my life and want to do all I can to acheive great things. And I am--acheiving great things, that is. I'm on that tightrope, as we speak, feeling all of it at the same time--being "fine" but knowing there's more, loving my life for all that it is but seeing what it still lacks, working hard to accomplish great things while knowing the greatest achievement I could ever attain is that of being a wife and mother.

Oh wow. I just re-read everything I just wrote. It'll be your lucky day if I actually push "Publish Post."

And so. I don't talk about it. Because I don't know what to say. And because it's difficult and I don't know how to walk the tightrope in public.

***
as always, please don't leave any stupid comments.
and no, I still don't want to talk about it.

A Step in the Right Direction? I don't know. The jury's still out.

2009-12-14T09:59:00.003-07:00

So I did it. I paid for eHarmony.

It was impulsive and reckless--which is how I think most normal people sign up for these sites. It's late at night. You've just finished watching a Jane Austen movie and in a fit of longing for a man (preferably with an English accent) to sweep you off your feet and fall madly in love with you, you find yourself actually thinking, "This might be a good idea. I mean where else am I going to meet someone?"

I'm not saying that's what happened to me. I'm just saying...I imagine that's how it might could possibly happen for someone else. Or something along those lines. Maybe.

So it's been three days and can I just say...it's miserable. Every anxiety, fear, and insecurity has come bubbling to the surface as though I was a 10th grader facing the lunchroom wondering what table is acceptable for me to sit at.

I can't believe I actually paid money for this.

*as a reminder: don't leave any stupid comments about dating, being single at 30, how you understand, how you got married later (at the ripe old age of 26) and that it will all work out, how God has someone wonderful waiting, how God needs me for something special in the meantime, etc. "Stupid" being the operative word here. And if we meet in person, no. I don't want to talk about this.

When Neither Just-the-Thumb Nor Just-the-Bottle Are Enough...

2009-12-08T13:34:00.006-07:00

Just suck on both:

I'm babysitting this doll face today.

(She always folds her hands while sleeping. Love it.)

There's something so splendid about a warm baby snuggled into your neck on a snowy day.

Oh what a morning we had!

*sorry for the crappy camera phone pics.
The good camera was out of reach.

Success

2009-12-08T10:06:00.003-07:00

It was 9:45 a.m. Fifteen minutes before showtime. The three of us had been up for 26 1/2 hours at that point. All through the night we had been sewing, cutting fabric/paper/ribbon, painting, and cleaning with Elf, then The Holiday, then While You Were Sleeping on in the background. There had been no time to think. Just sew.

But at that moment, at 9:45a.m., as I was madly attaching price tags to everything (so beautifully displayed if I do say so myself), as mom and Frit were making 5 gallons of hot chocolate and setting out the doughnuts on the crisp white table cloth, it hit me.

This is it. The thing I've been working towards for two months now. The thing I've invested all my time and money in...What if no one comes?

Internally I started to freak out. (I mean really freak out.) Externally I kept my focus. But Frit took one look at me and could see the fear in my eyes.

I went outside to hang a banner on the porch. She followed me out, and there on the porch, on a cold, snowy, morning we huddled together and said a prayer. A prayer that God would bless my efforts. That people would come. That it would all work out.

---

At 9:58 she arrived. My first customer. A complete stranger. A nod from heaven that this "thing" would work, or at the very least be ok. She left having ordered two custom aprons. (Huzzah!)

The next eight hours were a flurry of people and snow. And at the end of the day, when it was dark and I was plum tuckered, what had begun as a fully stocked boutique had become quiet, leftover remnants of hard work, hopes, prayers, and the support of friends new and old.

Thank you for coming. Thank you.

From the bottom of my heart.

***

This week's task: to get everything up online for you out-of-state shoppers. Just in time for Christmas! :)

And an extra special thank you goes out to my mom. You worked your fingers to the bone. I'm ever grateful and I love you mucho. So glad you could be here.

So This Morning ...

2009-12-03T09:07:00.003-07:00

... it's a little bit chilly. But I'm cozy under a blanket and have just finished my morning routine: Prayer, Conference talk (I read this one today), scriptures, emails, Google reader. It used to be: Google reader, blog hop, emails, scriptures, prayer. But I changed it up to, you know, put first things first. It's definitely a better this way.

So my days are filled with sewing and painting and sketching and sewing and painting and sewing...getting ready for the big day and all. I'll be honest, I'm a little overwhelmed and sometimes wonder, "what in the heck was I thinking?", but it's fun. So I'm happy. Lucky for me my mom's in town this week and is a great worker bee. She saved my bacon.

So yesterday I did another recording session. I almost said no because of all the things I need to get done. But it's good money and I want them to call again, so I said yes. I recorded vocals for a film score library. I don't know what films the pieces will be used for, but if you're watching a movie someday and you hear the oo's and ah's in the music, it might just be me. Crazy!

So Frit's gone on a few dates with some eHarmony matches. Nothing worth writing home about yet, but it's good. But it's also making me think. I need to figure this dating thing out. I've gotta get on the ball with it too. Blah. I don't know what else to say about that really.

So I'm headed downstairs to eat some breakfast and then get back to the sewing machine. The sun's coming through the blinds and it's a yummy golden yellow. I love sunny days.

Today's going to be a great day.

See you Saturday!

xo

Family Portrait Session [Reynolds Clan]

2009-12-01T10:01:00.006-07:00

Well we're t-minus 4 days now until the Grand Opening of Island Belle Boutique! And quite honestly, I'm going crazy. I'm excited, nervous, worried, and confident all rolled into one. I can't thank you enough for the support, encouragement, and cheerleading you've offered along the way and for sharing the announcement and poster on your blogs & Facebook pages. You are amazing friends to have (even if we've never met). It's going to be a fun, fun day and I hope you all can come. Oh and speaking of Facebook...if you'd like to become a fan of KQM Creative, here's the link. Through that page I'll be able to offer more "real time" info about the Boutique, Photography, and Consulting services we're offering.

So onto other business. Last week I my friend, Jacey hired me to take her family pictures. She's a funny funny writer and has the dang cutest kids. Here are some of my favorites from their family portrait session.

and just because I can't handle how cute this little guy is, here are a couple more ...

Speaking of meltdowns...doesn't every family picture either end or begin with one? I still remember one particular photo session with my own family where we were all fighting the entire morning of. Mom didn't like Karly's hair, I took somebody's brush, so-and-so needed to get in the bathroom and so-and-so was taking too long in the mirror (I don't remember who so-and-so was), Dad wanted everyone to be quiet, and on and on and on. Even in the car on the way to the location, we were all in a huff.

When we got to the beach, mom turned to the three of us and glared, "You will smile. And you will be happy. You will look like you like each other."

Ha! I love family pictures. So if you need yours taken (Christmas card season is upon us!), let me know. You can get $25 dollars off your session if booked by Saturday. It'll be a blast. I promise! Contact me here.

Island Belle Boutique: Saturday, December 5

2009-11-30T09:45:00.003-07:00

In just 5 short days:
the Grand Opening of Island Belle Boutique!

If you're still looking for that special gift for your friends, sisters, mothers, daughters, neighbors, teachers, baby showers, bridal showers or just need something unique and lovely for yourself, stop by!

I'm beside myself about this event and am so looking forward to seeing friends old and new and yet to be made. All the items in the shop are handmade by me and include jewelry, hair accessories, handbags, home decor, children's gifts and apparel, aprons, and more. I'm certain you'll find something for everyone on your list.

So gather the girls and come together for a fun day of shopping!
And if you'd like to post this flyer on your blog or Facebook page,
I'll love you forever.
Just click here to download.

For those of you who are out of state, my online shop will open after the Grand Opening event.
(If you have any questions, leave a comment and I'll respond ASAP.)

The Day After Thanksgiving ...

2009-11-27T20:40:00.005-07:00

... looks like this.

Here's hoping you had a lovely holiday weekend.

5 Things I Don't Like (and a video message for YOU!)

2009-11-25T07:51:00.004-07:00

I don't know why these things are on my mind, but here they are. Five things I don't like are:

1. Mustard
2. Pepperoni
3. Mint
4. those stringy things that stick to the sides of a banana
5. Christmas music before Thanksgiving

And speaking of Thanksgiving ... enjoy this!

Wedding Photo Session [Kristi & Ryan]

2009-11-24T09:01:00.005-07:00

Well the wedding was a success! The snow (thankfully) held off and though it was a bit chilly, we enjoyed a gorgeous sunset which made for dreamy light whilst taking pictures of the newly married couple. They were just so happy, I couldn't help but smile the whole, darn, time.

I finished editing the images yesterday and am excited to deliver them to the bride's mother today on my way to another family portrait session (!). It's becoming such a special experience to capture these important moments for people. I feel blessed they would ask me.

Here are a few of my faves from Saturday:

(Oh, and as a reminder, I'm offering $25 off any session purchased by Dec. 5. That includes family, child & infant, bridal & engagement, & personal portraits. Call 801.360.1235 or email krista@gmail.com for more info and to schedule.)

What Do You Really Want? Reader Response

2009-11-23T10:00:00.004-07:00

It's a quiet snowy morning here in Utah. The sun is trying to peek through and I for one am whole-heartedly cheering him on. This white world is breathtaking but it's bitter cold and my bones are shaking.

So this weekend I went through and read again all the comments and emails left on "What Do You Really Want." It's inspiring to me, these desires and dreams and hopes that manifest themselves when we step back from what we have.

This question is one I've asked myself a lot since I lost my job. What do I really want? And my "problem" isn't that I can't think of anything--it's that the length of my list wraps around the world. But today I want to share your responses:

(I added a little back story on a few of these as I thought doing so would help readers who don't know the responder understand the weight of the comment)

Rebecca said...I want to live in the country and raise Alpacas~oh, and be skinny...live in the country, be skinny, and raise Alpacas!

Nancy B. said...I want to be in the temple with my husband and every single one of my children and their spouses.

Kaycie Q (my baby sis) said...i want us to be on the beach with our spouses and children...all of them. with matey (our dog) and the parentals. playing baseball, drinking smoothies, and being so tan it's ridiculous. and talking about life.

Coordination Queen said...That is hard. Because there are so many things that make me happy. But I think at this very moment my dream that I have yet to realize is losing all of this baby weight... thinking about it right now (the process of getting there) doesn't make me light up, but being there... I think I would burst.

Lori (my mom who lives 3,000 miles away from her 3 daughters) said...Living near all of my children so we could have Sunday dinners...you can cook most of the time :0)...But I would even cook just to have that! Just near enough to be able to hear all that "noise" and to get a hug. I would live anywhere to have that! And then we could make beautiful music together! That's the music in my soul!

Cristi said...More than anything? To be able to experience a pregnancy - full term with healthy delivery - in this life. BUT ... having said that ... right now I AM happier than I've ever been :) Oh, and losing about 20 lbs would make me happy too. As would producing an album.
(This is my friend Cristi, who has not been able to bear children. She and her husband just adopted their first baby in October.)

Catie said...I really want to grow old and gray. I dream about being cancer-free. It would make me happy to get to see each of my children married in the temple. I think about eternity. I light up when I am with my husband and children laughing, and I hope to light up every day for a very, very long time.
(This is my dear friend Catie, who is fighting her second battle with cancer while being an amazing mother to her three young children. I love you Catie.)

Maryhelen said...Writing, speaking, helping women young and old understand and remember who they really are. And somehow incorporate music into that. And teaching. And nursing. or maybe paramedicine. I do have to add my desire to be skinny to Rebecca's... someday soon I hope there's a big fat check mark next to that one!

Heather said...Gosh, Krista is it really lame that I still don't have an answer for this?! I guess its hard because this isn't the life that I imagined having. Becoming LDS changes your goals and dreams and I guess I have been so caught up in the everyday life of being a wife and mom that I don't know what I truly want anymore and that is kinda sad. Of course I want to see all my children and their spouses in the temple and I would love to live on the beach and I would love to grow old with my family surrounding me but right now my biggest wish is for a day to myself to sleep and eat junk food without sharing it and read my 1500 emails and google reader posts. :)
(I met Heather while on my mission in Washington. She joined the LDS church in her early 20s.)

Sara said...I love Heather's post! The last few days I've woken up and thought "what do I really want to do today?" and most of the time it has been 1. eat deliciously fattening fast food 2. either watch a chick flick alone or spend time with girl friends doing something totally self absorbed (like getting a pedicure). But really, that's not what I REALLY want more than anything. I really want a fantastic relationship with my husband and well adjusted, spiritual, good children. I want all of us to be truly happy because we know who we are and where we're going. I want to be happy even when life is tough. Because it is tough. Like many other people - I really do want my body to be the way I think it should: skinny! And really, nothing would make me more happy than to raise my kids around all of my siblings, Dustin's siblings and their kids. The thought of that makes me want to burst. So, if I can remember these overall goals when I drag myself out of bed in the morning I'm sure my days would go much differently!

Annie said...I wish my entire family lived close to one another instead of spread across the country, that our children could grow up together and know each other more than seeing each other once every year or two. And I wish that if we were all close, that all of my friends and my job and my life here stayed with me- just transplanted in a new place. I wish an awful coworker I have would suddenly win the lottery and move far, far, far away and leave me alone! I wish I could have said good bye to an old friend from high school who suddenly died last week at the age of 31 leaving behind his wife and beautiful girls. I wish that I could accomplish everything I need to accomplish in a day without sacrificing sleep. Oh... I could go on and on but I have to go clean up the house before bed! Oh, I'd also like a maid, a masseuse, and a personal chef! :)

Jack's house said...My life by far is not perfect and there have definitely been trials along the way that I would love to change but at the same time wouldn't because they have helped to define who I am on the inside and the out. That being said, after having lunch with my husband today, I have realized that there is something that I want more than anything in this world...and that is for my husband to be happy...and right now he just isn't.
(This is my friend and neighbor Kim. Her baby boy passed away a few years ago. I'm in awe of her.)

Tiffany said...Jack's house struck a cord with me. Sigh. Don't know her, but I felt her comment. What do I want more than anything??? That one was tough. There are lots of things that I "want". Things being the key word there. Part of being human and living in the society we live in I think. But what I really, really want is to grow old and be a grandma. I don't think it's going to happen, in fact, thinking that makes me break down into a million pieces and I can't handle the pain so I DON'T think about it. At least not for very long. But I would love to be healthy and to be old one day. I would give up anything I have to be able to be with my children for a long time.

Jacey said...After reading some of these comments, mine feels a little shallow, but I can own that. I want somebody to like my writing so much that they pay me nicely for it. Or pay me for it, period!
(I don't think this is shallow at all. I think it's a worthy goal worth AND you're totally capable of doing this. In case you wondered what I thought.)

Marie said...babies
(Marie and I grew up together in the South. Her first baby, Olivia, was born still.)

Emily said...Shouldn't have read everyone else's because they're deep . . . honestly, the thing I want most is for my kids to be healthy and safe and grow up to be good guys. When I kneel down to pray that's first thing I ask for. Scratch that, beg for. So maybe what I need most is to relax and enjoy all I have. What makes me happy? I have a lot of deep-felt gospel answers, but how about I digress and say dancing - gotta do it more these days!

Anonymous said...What I really want is to know that what I'm doing matters. My husband and I are starting the road to becoming foster parents, which is something I feel called to do. Called from deep in my soul. I want to know that my actions on this earth have helped someone, have made their life better. I want to be an old woman, sitting on my porch and watching my grandkids play. I want to not be afraid of death. Actually, that's the biggest one for me. I want to not be afraid of death. (don't worry, I don't have a terminal illness! it's just that I've lost people and questioned my own mortality...)

Anonymous said...I want to be married.

Anonymous said...What do I want most? I want to know that I'm in the right place, doing the right thing. That I'm on the right path to accomplishing my life's mission.

Is anyone else filled to the brim with understanding and compassion and hope for this group of people who responded? Some of you know each other. Some of you don't. Some of you are strangers even to me. And your honesty has inspired me.

I want to be more of my true self. I want to dance more (thanks Em!). I want to write more (thanks Jacey!). I want to be more mindful of others and the things they're going through or have gone through. I want to be more aware of the dreams people around me have and do all I can to help, teach, love, and serve my fellowmen.

Each of us is living a life filled with ups and down, happiness and sorrow, certainty and uncertainty, and when push comes to shove, the things that matter most are people and living a life filled not with "stuff," but with substance.

+++
What are your thoughts?

Engagement Photo Session [Kristi & Ryan]

2009-11-20T07:32:00.006-07:00

Good Morning! I woke up today before the sun, before the alarm clock, just itching to get at the day. That rarely happens so I'm determined to make the most of it. There is just so much to do.

Tomorrow is my first "real" wedding shoot. i.e. They're strangers who didn't hire me simply because I'm a friend and they felt they had to. (Not that anyone would do that.) I'm pretty excited and oddly enough, I'm not nervous at all. Kristi and Ryan are funny to boot and super laid back, which makes this all the more fun.

In lieu of tomorrow's event, I thought I'd share a few of my favorites from their engagement session (which incidentally was my first shoot where I shot entirely in "manual mode" meaning I chose all the settings for my camera rather than my camera choosing them for me--that's BIG, in case you're wondering.).

I also designed their wedding invitation for them:

Busy Thursday

2009-11-19T11:10:00.004-07:00

B.U.S.Y is the word of the day! I'm working on some holiday craft tutorials to post here soon, planning and shopping for tomorrow's dinner date with Laurel (can't wait to see you LC!), stocking my shop with gift items you'll LOVE (available at the boutique on Dec. 5), getting ready for tonight's Church youth activity, practicing my photog skillz for this Saturday's wedding (!), praying it doesn't snow until the reception's over, and looking forward to the 11:15 p.m. showing of New Moon on Friday (Frit surprised me with tickets! We're not "crazy" Twilight fans, but we loved the books, and she thought a late-night viewing would be fun! She's right.).

Have a lovely Thursday!

Oh! And if you're still thinking about "What You Want Most," do let me know by Saturday. I'm posting a comprehensive list of everyone's responses and my thoughts on it this weekend. You're all such amazing people. I'm inspired every time I read a new comment.

xo

Listening for the Voice of God

2009-11-18T09:35:00.003-07:00

Wow. I am loving your responses to "What Do You Really Want." Keep 'em coming! More people have commented and still others are emailing. I'm compiling all the responses (keeping those who want to be anonymous anonymous) and will share them all this weekend. I hadn't planned on doing that, but it has been such an interesting examination of the desires that exist at the core of our lives, and I thought you'd like to see too. So if you haven't yet read and commented on that post, I hope you will. I really, truly, with all my heart, want to know what you most want in your life.

So. As you may remember, I am participating in the Smile Challenge with the teenagers I teach at Church, and this morning I read this sermon by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, which was a perfect follow up to the speech I read yesterday, by Elder Deiter F. Uchtdorf. Both are full on inspiring truths about Love, but one particular phrase, mentioned in both speeches, caught my attention.

In Elder Uchdorf's remarks he says, "[God] speaks to us everywhere. As you read God's word...listen for His voice. During this general conference ... listen for His voice. As you visit the temple and attend Church meetings, listen for His voice. Listen for the voice of the Father in the bounties and beauties of nature, in the gentle whispering of the Spirit. In your daily interaction with others, in the words of a hymn, in the laughter of a child, listen for His voice. If you listen for the voice of the Father, He will lead you..." [italics added]

And then Elder Oaks says, "If only we will listen, we can know of God's love and feel it." [italics added]

Listen.
This is something I've been thinking a lot about lately.
I need God's guidance now, perhaps more than I ever have.
And I think we all need His help. To know what to do. Where to go. And how.
And I know He wants to help.
But we have to listen.

In order to do so, we may have to turn off the television, unplug the iPod, put down the magazine, or walk away from the group. To listen for God we must put ourselves in places where He is, where He can speak, and where we can hear Him.

Today, let's listen.

Photo Session [Bohman Family]

2009-11-17T11:40:00.008-07:00

Thank you for sharing "What You Really Want" yesterday. A few people left comments and others emailed. It was so interesting and inspiring to hear what matters to you. I hope with all my heart that you receive all the things you desire most. I have more to say on this topic but today I wanted to share a recent photo shoot I finished.

Last month, the Bohman family hired me to take their family pictures. Their kids are so darn cute I was all over it like a duck on a june bug! Here are the fruits that came from our fun hour in the park...

As a side note, I'm currently booking photo sessions for $25 off now through Dec. 5. So if you need family pictures for your Christmas cards, personal portraits, baby/child photos, engagement/bridal/wedding photography, or documentation of a special event (baptisms, blessings, parties, birthdays) do drop me a line. For more info, prices, & to schedule your session: kristaqm@gmail.com.
Laughter and love go hand in hand.

Contact me to schedule your own family portrait session.

What Do You Really Want?

2009-11-16T10:57:00.006-07:00

What do you really want? More than anything.

What is your dream? The one you haven't realized yet.

What would make you happy? Happier than you've ever been.

What do you think about? When you don't have other things to think about.

What's the thing that makes you light up? Like you're bursting.

No really. I want to know.

Bring Me the Sunset in a Cup*

2009-11-14T18:13:00.001-07:00

Now isn't that just simply delicious?

*one of my favorite poems by Emily Dickinson

Am I In An Alfred Hitchcock Movie Or What?

2009-11-13T13:34:00.004-07:00

I do not know what was going on yesterday. Maybe it was the ominous clouds, or the chance of snow, or because it was the day before Friday the 13th, but our neighborhood was overtaken by 10,000 birds.

Around 3:00 I was laying on the couch, nursing my sore throat, when I heard the neighbor kids shrieking and then through the blinds I saw hundreds of flapping shadows in the sky. When I went outside, there were birds EVERYWHERE. Swooping and squawking, diving and flying from tree to tree.

They were coming from the left and the right, changing direction like a snake in the sky. Every roof top peak had birds lined up wing to wing from one end to the other. Other neighbors began coming out to see what all the commotion was. Seriously, you could hear the chirping from inside.

They just flew around like a tornado, and then after an hour, they were gone.

And that is all I have to say.

Book Review: The Pioneer Woman Cooks

2009-11-13T10:04:00.006-07:00

So remember when the Pioneer Woman and I became BFF's? Of course you do. I was pretty excited (I'm sure she was too).

Well, since then, I've read her entire cookbook cover to cover am here to solemnly declare: I love it. It's more than just a cookbook. It's filled with stories and photographs of her life on the ranch, of all her darling punks, and of course -- Marlboro Man (hello chaps!). Plus, each recipe is full color, with step by step images so you know what everything should look like at each stage of food creation. I love that. Yes. I love this cookbook. Have I said that already?

Whilst reading, I kept a record of the recipes I wanted to try first and hands down, no buts about it, the French Breakfast Puffs were at the top of the list. Maybe it was the cinnamon and sugar coating. Maybe it was the fact that they're French. Maybe it was because I have a weakness for pastries. But I thought about them all week and no matter how many other recipes I read through, they were what I had to have first.

So I pulled out my mixing bowls and spoons and had at it. The great thing about this recipe was that all the ingredients are things you already keep in your pantry or baking cupboard. And they were so easy (but seem fancy). From start to finish (meaning the point at which I was stuffing one in my mouth), the whole process took me maybe 30 minutes. And they're de-li-cious -- light and fluffy and chewy, kind of like what you would get if a muffin and a doughnut married.

Oh and I tried one before I rolled them in the cinnamon/sugar coating, so if you're trying to cut back on sugar (like me) they would also be delightful just plain with a bit of fruit preserves. Bottom line: you should run your little bottoms to the nearest bookstore today and get a copy of it. Or you can find it online. It is definitely a cookbook you want in your arsenal.

I can't wait to move on to my next recipe: Sherried Tomato Soup (I've got to see how it compares to my tried and true Creamy Tomato Gorgonzola Soup). Happy cooking!

*Oh and the recipe says it makes 12 muffins, but I had enough batter left over to make an additional 12 mini muffins. Too cute and perfect for gifting!

When God Says "I Know"

2009-11-12T11:03:00.007-07:00

The blinds are shut. The curtains are drawn. And the lights are out.

It's cold and gray beyond the front door, with clouds that spell snow's on the way. The leaves that were red and orange and gold not more than a week ago are now brown and fallen, and crackle into a million broken pieces under foot. The wind blows and carries them away into oblivion, leaving the trees are bare and trembling.

I'm bundled in sweat pants and fleece, huddled under blankets of feathers. My new best friend, Kleenex, (sorry Frit) is sitting on the table beside me with the cough drops and syrups close by. I'm bleary and fuzzy, but unable to sleep. And it is in times like these, when I'm left only to my thoughts, that I tend to wax philosophical.

____

Last weekend I was in St. George attending a women's conference--a women's conference run by the company I used to work for. I wasn't nervous about going. In fact, I was really looking forward to it. I was excited to see the authors and artists I'd once marketed. But when Kenneth took to the stage and opened the conference with a song from an album I'd given months of my life to (happily and willingly), it was almost too much. And the tears fell.

Frit put her arm around me and asked if I needed to leave. No, I said. I just really loved my job ... in the beginning. I really, really, loved my job. I loved the artists I worked with and the message they share was the root of my passion for so long. I just hate how it ended. And I guess it still stings.

It's not fair, I told Heavenly Father. I know, He said.

Yes, I'm excited. And I'm happy. And I feel free. And something needed to change. I really was so dead at the end. But I'm also still angry sometimes. Really angry. And I'm still confused sometimes. I feel aimless sometimes. There's still so much I don't know and can't seem to figure out. I don't know if I'll be ready to launch my own company by Dec. 5. I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if it will work. I don't even know if it's the right thing.

But I'm just trying to remember, and believe, that when God says, I know, He's also saying, I'm here.

An Interview with Frit

2009-11-10T21:58:00.004-07:00

I figured it was high time y'all got to know her better. So it is with great pleasure that I introduce my roommate and best friend, Kim. Better known as Frit.

Me: Hey! Welcome home from work! Can I interview you for my blog?
Frit: No.

M: Perfect! So let's forgo the easy questions and get straight to the meat. Does that sound ok?
F: Fire in the hole.

M: How did you get the name "Frit?"
F: I have no idea. We all go by nicknames in my family. My mom is Helga, dad is Speff, my sisters are Shmovel, Camer, and Frat and my brothers are Slo and P-Nut. We have no idea where these names came from. But we answer to them. And we, as you know, call you Kristafer.

M: Yes. The nieces and nephews came up with that. Kristafer was apparently easier to remember than Krista. But I love it. So what's the best thing in your life right now?
F:The chocolate brownie ice-cream in the fridge. Double chocolate brownie, I believe is what it’s actually called.

M: What about me?
F: What about you?

M: Aren’t I one of the best things in your life right now?
F: Of course you are. Better than the double chocolate brownie ice-cream. But you’re not a thing. You’re a person. If you’re going to solicit comments about yourself, you should ask questions like, “What's the best thing about me?”

M: OK. What's the best thing about me?
F: Now we’re talking. I think you’re amazing! I think you are the most talented person on this green earth. You sing like the angels. You sew like the wind. You paint like the dickens. You cook like Martha Stewart. You have this amazing ability to create. You are always thinking of others. You are an incredible teacher. You have an ability to motivate and lift those around you…I really could go on and on. But I think the thing I like most about you – is that you make my bed everyday and cook my dinner and bring me glasses of water "while you're up" even though you're not "up." You’re like my slave.

M: I do make your bed. Every freaking day! But that's cuz I'm the stay-at-home roommate. It's my job. And thanks. That was the kind of answer I was fishing for.
F: No it wasn’t.
M: How do you know?
F: Cuz I’m sitting right here next to you.
M: So?
F: So.
M: So ... [crickets chirping] How would you describe your life up to this point?
F: Why don’t you go get the dinner out of the oven and I will. [I go get dinner out of the oven] My life has been happy. Full of twists and turns and unexpected things. Funny how so many of the twists and turns have turned out to be some of my greatest blessings.

M: Like what?
F: None of your beeswax.

M: Real nice Frit. Real nice. I thought we were best friends.
F: That’s what I thought. Shouldn’t a "best friend" know the answers to these questions?
M: I do. I just want it straight from the horse’s mouth.
F: HEE HAW.

M: Alright. Well. Pretend I don’t know you. My readers don’t know you. Except for a few things…like your disposition to date 76-year-olds, that I call you Frit, and that you have the cutest, funniest nieces and nephews on the planet. So … I ask again. What is one of those twists and turns that has turned out to be a great blessing?
F: Well...One example that comes to mind is the time I turned into another car in a snow storm and as a result, we got a new suburban. That was definitely a blessing.

M: Seriously? That’s all you’re giving me?
F: Heck no. I’m not giving you a new suburban. You go make your own twisty turn.

M: Well hell. I don’t even know what to say now or where to go. This interview has quickly derailed.
F: Well you could start with going to wash your mouth out with soap. I’m sure your readers don’t want to hear your potty mouth talk.

M: Maybe if you could take something seriously for five minutes, THAT might help.
F: Maybe I should be the one asking the questions.
M: Go for it. It’s a lot harder than it seems.

F: What’s your favorite color?
M: Aqua/Turquoise.

F: What’s your favorite food?
M: Seafood. Real good fresh seafood.

F: What’s your favorite thing to do?
M: Write. Sing. Create. Speak. Teach.

F: What do you like to spend your free time doing?
M: Writing. Singing. Creating. Daydreaming. Hanging out with you.

F: Who do you like most in your family?
M: Kaycie. Everyone knows that. She’s everyone’s favorite.

F: Describe the best day of your life????
M: Everyday ... OK. So maybe asking the questions isn’t that hard. Whatever. This is YOUR interview. So… How would you describe yourself?
F: 5 foot 4, blue eyes, brown hair, big hands, big ears, rotten teeth, I think that pretty well sums it up.

M: What is a life lesson that has really meant a lot to you?
F: Well, when I was about 12 years old Helga took all us kids into the bathroom for Family Night where she proceeded to show us how to change the toilet paper roll. That’s one of those life lessons that sticks with you forever. It was great.

M: Dreams for the future?
F: Marry Merlin. Live happily ever after.

M: I wish you all the best in that quest. Thanks for taking the time to talk with me (even though it was like pulling teeth). Anything else you’d like to tell everyone?
F: I don’t believe so. I fear we’ve painted quite the picture already.
M: Yes, you've painted quite the picture.

So there you have it. Maybe this is only funny to us. We laughed the entire 15 minutes we were doing this interview. If it's not funny, please pretend that it is. For Frit's sake. She's a cry-baby.

An Exercise in Listening

2009-11-10T10:39:00.004-07:00

Writer, journalist, and author Brenda Ueland once said, "Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force."

Today I stopped to listen.

And when I stopped, this is what I heard ...

Stillness is good.
I need more peace in my life.
Less distractions.
Less television.
Less internet.
More time.
More quiet.
Believe.
In God.
In the impressions I feel.
That I'm worthy.
That I'm on the right track.
Let go.
Of the fear.
And the perfection.
It will never be perfect.
Perfection is found in imperfection.
Get up.
Go do something.
Something great.
The thing you were born to do.
You may not know what that is.
But trust the baby steps you're taking.
Every day.
And that God will lead you.

I...

2009-11-09T10:32:00.005-07:00

am feeling a bit under the weather this morning.
Hoping it's not Swine Flu.

am thoroughly enjoying the quiet of my house.
It's particularly peaceful today.

am loving the sunshine.
Has anyone else in Utah noticed how sunny it has been this season? Maybe I'm crazy (don't answer that), but isn't Fall usually over by now?

am thinking of going to see This is It this afternoon.
Depends on how much better the drugs, tea, and Vitamin C make me feel.

am making this for dinner tonight.
Doesn't that look divine? Plus I have squash fresh from the garden I still need to use.

am hoping you're having a wonderful Monday.
I love new days and new weeks. They're so ... new!

*Side Note...Are you in a place where you're wondering what to do or where to go next? Or how to do such and such? I learned some things last night & wrote this: 9 Steps to Acquiring Spiritual Guidance.

Me + Pioneer Woman = BFF's

2009-11-04T13:33:00.006-07:00

Remember that time I met the Pioneer Woman?! Actually, let me rephrase that. Remember that time I helped Miss Ree, a.k.a. Pioneer Woman, with her appearance on Good Things Utah (ABC4) promoting her new cookbook and book signing in Salt Lake City, and gave her a plate of home-baked treats?! Oh yeah! That was TODAY!

That's right! I got to meet PW in person this morning. When I found out she was going to be on Good Things, I called one of the producers (my friend Rox) to see if I could sneak into the studio audience. She called back and said she could do better than that. See, they just happened to be short staffed on producers that day and, with my professional background, wanted to know if I would be willing to come in and help PW get set up and attend to any needs she might have before, during, and after the segment. Seriously? Seriously.

I was on pins and needles the whole day before. And I knew I wanted to bring her something, so I decided on cupcakes. When Frit saw I was baking for her, she was like, "Uh. You're baking for the Pioneer Woman? Aren't you a little nervous about that?" "Uh. Not until you said that! Sheesh. Thanks a lot!" So. Who knows if she liked them. When I arrived with them in hand, she seemed surprised and thankful that I would think to bring her cupcakes. So maybe it was a good idea?

Anyways, she was a total pro and didn't even need my anything so I kind of felt like a little shadow that followed her around everywhere. But at least I was there if she did need anything. And I did get to sit on the couch in the green room and chat with her (just the two of us) about her book tour experience so far, TV appearances, and ranch life. She even asked if it was okay if she used my cupcakes in her cooking segment if her "food stylist" didn't show up with the food. Uh. Yeeaah! (Who knew there were "food stylists?" That is a job I should look into.) The stylist showed up so my cupcakes didn't get any facetime, but it was still an exciting notion.

It was a totally delightful way to spend my morning and she was simply lovely. After her segment was over she even gave me her personal copy of her cookbook, signed and everything. At first I felt awkward accepting it, I mean, didn't she need it? But I didn't know what to say, so I just said, "ok." We took a quick picture together and she was on her way. 'Twas such a fun morning. Have I mentioned how much I love not having a "job-job"?

Thanks PW for a truly memorable experience. And thanks Rox for asking me fill-in for your absent producers!

Photo Shoot [with Karly]

2009-11-03T11:56:00.006-07:00

I was headed out the door on my way to the gym when she came downstairs in her pjs and crazy hair. She splayed herself on the couch, smiling at her late-rising indulgence, and stretched like a cat waking up from an afternoon nap in the sun.

I sat down across from her and at first didn't know what to say. Sometimes, being the oldest, I act more like a mother than a sister. And sometimes I feel bad about that, but mostly I don't. But I knew I'd pushed too far a couple days before when I challenged her to think a bit more about a decision she was making. So I felt I needed to tread lightly.

I took a step. She met me. I took another. And she met me again. And before we knew it, two hours had gone by while we'd been talking and laughing and discussing this new life of hers, complete with a new job, a new husband, a new apartment, new friends, and a new city.

I think sometimes, we joke so much about her "middle child syndrome" and her uncanny ability to always take the hard road, that we don't say enough about her "hugest heart in the world syndrome" or her uncanny ability to always reach the top. She's amazing, that one is.

She's tender and kind, always fights for (or rescues, if need be) the underdog, and never judges anyone. She's down right, honest-to-goodness funny. Oh mercy, is she funny. And while she's stubborn as stubborn can be, I like to think of it more as "unwavering." And when that steadiness is channeled for good, she is a force to be reckoned with. She's probably got the best brain of the three of us and swims like a fish. Did I ever tell you she was the butterfly champ of Georgia when she was 10? Well, she was. She's one pretty talented lady.

She forgets her worth sometimes and that makes me sad. Because really, I admire and adore every tiny bit of her.

And I know I'm not the only one.

Morning Light: A New Season has Come

2009-11-03T07:46:00.004-07:00

Good morning! Delicious light is streaming through the windows, spilling across the floor like golden honey right this very second and I'm salivating over it. Sunshine coming up over the mountains might not be quite as intoxicating as sunshine coming up over the ocean, but it's sure moving up the list.

And I for one, am so happy 'bout this new November. Yesterday the Halloween decorations were taken down and stored for another year, and out came the turkeys and pilgrims and plethora of pumpkins. Do you know what a plethora ees? (Name that movie.)

Oh the holidays. I love the bustle and busyness of it. I love the colors and smells. I love the frost on the ground and the fog in the windows. I love the reminder it offers us to be grateful for harvest and bounty. I love the gift wrap. I love the endless days of baking. I love thinking about what to give to whom. I love gathering around tables, sharing food and laughter. It's more than nourishment for the belly.

Oh yes. The season is upon us.

*photos from a morning walk around my neighborhood.

Made From Scratch

2009-10-29T22:12:00.005-06:00

Right now, in the guest room next to the loft, you can't see the bed because of the stacks of fabric and yards of ribbon strewn about. You can't shut the door because the ironing board is set up in front of it with the iron ready and waiting to press any hem that crosses its path into its proper crisp place. If you walk in with bare feet, you will walk out with thread clippings covering your soles from toe to heel. There are buttons and bobbins, sketches and scissors, paintbrushes and pin cushions.

It's heaven.

Right now, on top of the new dining table, sits my camera--it's digital belly filled to the brim with dancing eyes and happy smiles. Little fingers and tiny toes, proud mamas and loving papas, laughing children and beautiful faces. Memories captured for the moments of reminiscent longing that so often comes with the arrival of tomorrow.

It's beautiful.

Right now, inside my dreaming head, are patterns and ideas of what to make tomorrow. I see purses and paintings and dresses and wooden toys. I see poses and stances and framings for photo shoots to come. Ideas on how to capture love, or exuberance, or mischief, or excitement, or peace with the simple click of a shutter. I'm dizzy with the possibilities.

It's inspiring.

See, I believe that we, as human beings, at our most fundamental level, are creative beings. Whether it's a math equation or a fabric flower, a diesel engine or an oil painting, a slam dunk or a symphony, we are all creators. Creators of memories, traditions, and beauty. Or on the flip side: hatred, prejudice, and war. All are creations made by creative beings--us. With every breath we breathe, we create. To live is to create. And the most beautiful creation of all--life.

It's a sacred miracle.

You'll Have to Forgive Me

2009-10-29T10:55:00.005-06:00

I've been quite remiss in blogging lately. And it's making me sad. And if I'M sad about it, I can just imagine how YOU must feel about it. Cryin' your eyes out every night I'm sure. Ha! JK.

Do people still use JK? I don't know these things. I tried using the word "tight" before--you know, to describe something that was "cool," and my sisters (who can use the word "tight" and not look like total dorks) fell on the floor laughing. I couldn't pull it off. And not that "JK" and "tight" are even in the same league as far as slang goes but ... oh never mind. I still use JK. Frequently. Even while speaking.

But ANYWAY. Back to what I was saying. I've been absent here at the Haystack and it's making me sad. Things are just ca-razy busy. I'm working on my new website, building a business model, marketing plan, and media kit for KQM Creative, hostessing a baby shower (pictures to come), shooting and editing three photo sessions (pictures to come), logging hours for my first Marketing Consulting client, and trying to get ready for my Boutique opening. Whew.

Which brings me to my next point. I'm not going to be ready for my Grand Opening on Nov. 14. And I can't do it the following Saturday because ... I was just hired to shoot a wedding! By a stranger! My first "stranger hire" photo job. I'm over the moon about it. So. The Holiday Sale and Grand Opening of my Boutique is being moved to Dec. 4 and 5. I apologize. I just can't get it all done.

You'll have to forgive me.

As a peace offering, here's a sneak peak at one of the photo sessions I recently finished.

Advice for Your Weekend

2009-10-23T09:43:00.003-06:00

From the bottom of my heart, I want to remind you to:

(sign found on board the Crabber J, my dad's sport crabbing boat)

Happy weekending!
xo

Photo Session [Ullery Family]

2009-10-21T21:50:00.008-06:00

There are periods of my life where, when I look back, I can't help but be caught up in the weight of nostalgia. Places I long to return to. But know it will never be how it was. Time moves. People grow. Places change.

One such period was the 18 months I spent in western Washington. I left my family, left my schooling, left my home, to be a missionary. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week I was dedicated to a work far bigger than me. But I knew my drop in the bucket mattered, counted even. Counted in big ways. When I wasn't teaching about Christ I was trying to serve others as He had. When I wasn't searching for an ear to listen, I was praying to find one. It was a time when all my focus, all of it, was given to service.

As missionaries, we always have a companion--another Sister you live with, work with, teach with, and serve with. You are with her every day, all day. Every few months you get a new companion and are even possibly moved to another city to work. But my mission experience was unique in that I spent the middle eleven months in one city. And of those eleven months, nine of them were spent with one companion, Sister Wilkins.

I've found it's hard to explain a "mission" to someone who hasn't been on one. It's just difficult to find the words. Impossible almost to express the depth of emotion you experience when you're serving a "strange" people in a "foreign" land with all your heart, might, mind, and strength. So to try and recap even half of the time I spent with "Wilkie-poo" would be futile (although maybe someday I'll write about how she got that nickname). Perhaps someday I'll force myself to sit down and write about my mission, but today, I'll just say: "I love you Sis."

Sister Wilkins (Kimber), ended up marrying a wonderful man after we had completed our mission work and last month they hired me to take their family photos. It was a joy to be with them, play with their precious (and hilarious) children, remember who we were, and where we were, and what we were doing nine years ago, but more especially, to see who we've all become. Thanks Bob and Kimber, it was a pleasure.

I Used to Think

2009-10-21T10:30:00.008-06:00

[a Poem by me]

I used to think
and dream in pink,
the color of little girls.

But soon, it seemed
that I chose green,
for the eye of a little boy.

But then I grew
and fell for blue,
every scarf and saphire sky.

And then I said,
"It must be red,
for lovelies love the hue."

But then, one day
I turned away
from the chorus of others' thought.

Stepping through a door
onto sandy shore
sun high, and yellow bright

And there.

in the swirling salt
and windy waves

I found
the color of my heart

Fall in Utah (and an invitation)

2009-10-20T09:49:00.005-06:00

This was the view from my front porch this morning. Everything about it reminded me of my 18 months in Washington state. It also reminded me of two gloomy, but glorious, days I spent in Germany. And it reminded me of that movie, A Walk in the Clouds. Keanu Reeves' bad acting aside, the scenery in that film is breathtaking (and who doesn't swoon over the part where they smash the grapes?).

Anyhow, I love Fall in Utah. It's the perfect mix of cloudy/sunny/chilly/warm. The colors are so vivid. Why just this weekend, I was babysitting this little pumpkin:

(don't you love those chins!)

and we took a walk around the neighborhood. When we looked up, we saw ...

and when we looked down the street, we saw ...

and when we looked through the trees, we saw ...

Twas a Mary Poppins day. Not too cold. Not too hot. Color everywhere. And then not 24 hours later, we wake up to gray. But it's a gray that's practically perfect in it's own particular way. I do so love Utah in the Fall. Have I already mentioned that? Well. I do.

And speaking of Saturday! I've been wanting to tell you ... That afternoon, I had my girls from Church over for a Celebration Banquet. See, back in April I was teaching the 14 to 15-year-old girls (now I'm teaching the 12 to 13-year-olds) and after April's LDS General Conference I extended a challenge to them to read one Conference talk each day, along with at least one chapter in the Book of Mormon, and to not forget their morning and evening prayers. Well, they took me up on it and for the last six months we've all been participating in what I dubbed the "Smile Challenge." I was so proud of them.

(all dressed up for the Banquet)

So on Saturday, to honor everyone who completed the challenge, I prepared a gorgeous (and delicious) luncheon and we all talked about our experiences, favorite scripture stories, and life-changing messages from the Prophet and Apostles. Because it was such a wonderful way to incorporate the teachings of our current leaders into our daily studies, we each decided to continue with the challenge and invite others to join us. The girls are hoping to gather youth from all over the world to participate. So if you're interested, or want to pass the idea along to other youth you might know, you can follow the blog or become a part of the Facebook group. You don't have to be LDS to participate. In another six months we'll be having another Celebration Banquet for all the participants in our area and will share how to plan such a celebration for participants in other areas of the world.

Well. I'm off to drink some hot chocolate, work on KQMCreative.com, and maybe watch A Walk in the Clouds after I get my work done.

I hope you have a cozy day.

The Glass

2009-10-08T11:23:00.005-06:00

She awoke to light. The golden rays of dawn slipping through the blinds like silky legs under lingerie. Never an early riser, she blinked, softly, slowly, again and again until morning registered. Still not ready to leave the cocoon of cotton and fleece she’d wound herself into, she closed her eyes again, and sank deeper into the warmth.

To anyone else, the quiet might have seemed deafening, but having lived alone for a few years she’d come to understand that stillness isn’t silence and that lack of noise doesn’t mean lack of sound. If you listen long enough, with patience for the moment, you eventually notice the rhythm of your breath, the hum of a honeybee, the wind chime of leaves, the quiet groan of a settling house, God’s whisper in your heart. She called it the symphony of life and this morning she was content to enjoy the show from her bed for as long as possible.

But soon the call of day beckoned more loudly than the small, lovely sounds of morning and arching her back, extending her limbs, she rose from the downy pillows like the opening of a flower’s first petals in Spring. She sat, feet dangling over the side of her bed, gingerly tilting her head from one side to the other, trying to expel the night from her stiff frame.

Had she dreamed? Perhaps. Though she rarely, if ever, remembered night visions. She was more of a daydreamer, often lost in her own world, even when fully present in the one surrounding her.

Inviting the day with one, long deep breath, she set her feet on the floor and made her way to the kitchen. A lover of routines, but by no means rigid, she always followed a particular set of tasks whether she realized it or not. Standing at the sink she slid back the curtains and opened the window. The sun had not yet burned away the cool morning air and it filled the room from floor to ceiling with the opportunities of a new day.

She smiled to herself for no particular reason and reached for a glass. She marveled as the light passed through it, refracting in different directions, sending beams onto the counter. Had she been any less of the woman she was, she might have thought about how, much like the tall, clear glass in her hand, her life was a bit empty at the moment. At least that’s how it looked to many an outside observer.

But she had never been one to think in such a way. Certainly she’d had her moments of worry and concern. Certainly she’d felt alone at times. Certainly she’d wondered how to move forward. But never had she felt empty.

She reached for the faucet and began to fill the glass with water. Higher and higher it rose, almost to the top, but for some reason, on this morning, she didn’t move. Instead, she watched as the water began to flow past the rim, down the sides, and over her fingers. Rushing through her like a flood of energy, love and possibilities, the water poured, and she--happy, bright, ready--stood thankful for the overflowing glass she held tightly in her hands.

Photo Session [with Kaycie]

2009-10-06T10:09:00.005-06:00

She's our baby--the one we didn't know we needed until we had her.

Her golden honey eyes bewitched me from the moment I saw her, and wrapped around her pinky I have been since I very first held her tiny body.

She's a woman now, full of brightness and laughter, sunkissed with just the right amount of sass. Yes, at times she's a little airy, and oh, does it makes us laugh, but she's smart and talented and completely capable. Well actually mostly capable--that is, as capable as the baby of a family can be. Equally lovely, funny, sweet, and strong, full of faith and conviction and goodness, I'm sometimes amazed at who she's become.

And yet, I'm not.

We always knew she was special.

The Plans for my Immediate Future

2009-10-05T10:54:00.003-06:00

I must admit.

I am scared to death.

I'm scared I'll fail.

I'm scared it'll flop.

But I have to do it.

I want to do it.

Even if I do fail when it's all said and done.

It's where my heart has been drawn to,

as I've thought and prayed,

and prayed and thought,

over these last few weeks.

And so today,

I'd like to announce

to you,

my dear friends,

that I'm staring my own business: KQM Creative,

a creative services company,

complete with PR/Marketing consulting,

freelance writing,

a photography business,

classes,

and,

drumroll please ...

my very own Boutique and Bakery,

whose Grand Opening (and Holiday Sale) will be held

Friday, November 13 - Saturday, November 14.

So mark it on your calendars.

I do hope you can come.

More details to follow.

(p.s. I'm BEYOND excited!)

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?!*

2009-10-02T12:25:00.007-06:00

My little sister, Karly Barley, and my new brother-in-law, JJ!

They're driving up from Arizona for Conference weekend and I'm positively pleased as punch to have them visit. Our littlest sister, Kayc Face, is coming on Sunday so it's going to be a "party in the U.S.A." right here with the Maurer girls. (shakin' my hips like yeah!)

And speaking of Conference, if you're in need of some spiritual upliftment, a boost to the soul, are curious to hear what a Prophet of God and the Twelve Apostles have to say, or just want to know what we Mormons subscribe to, you should tune in this weekend for the 179th semi-annual General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Sermons and instruction are given from 10:00 a.m. to noon on both Saturday and Sunday and from 2:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. on Saturday and Sunday (MST). I'm really looking forward it. It's my tall drink of water every April and October.
Just click here if you're interested. (You can watch it online, or check out the additional broadcast options.)

*Sometimes I think I'm SO funny! I really cracked myself up over that one. Although it's not quite as funny as the time mom gave Karly a Christmas card with a black Santa on it right after she and JJ started dating. Talk about hilarious.

Dear Darling

2009-09-30T03:43:00.006-06:00

Dear Darling,

My health insurance runs out today. I know I should have taken care of this sooner, I mean I have been unemployed for nearly three weeks, but as soon as I begin to think about premiums and deductibles, my head starts to spin. You know how much I despise thinking about these things. Like mowing the lawn and cleaning the garage, this type of thing is your job. Call me a stumbling block to the feminist movement, but all I want to think about is what to make for dinner. Oh! Speaking of, dinner that is, I've decided we're going to use cloth napkins every night, even when we have children. I do so love cloth napkins.

Anyways, back to the health insurance, I even tried to read an article about the President's health care reform last night and couldn't even make it halfway through. It sounds like a terrible plan, although I must admit, the idea of lower costs does entice me. It's all so expensive! But as you know, I like discussing politics about as much as I like thinking about insurance, so I'll stop there.

And believe me, I know how this makes me sound--like a mindless woman tied to her own apron strings. But you know, and I know, that that's just not the case. I'm quite smart (sometimes smarter than you in fact [wink]); my quick mind is one of the things you love most about me. And I'm fully capable too. There are just other things I like doing and thinking about better. But don't worry. I'll take care of this, like I always do. I just hate having to do it without you. So. Hurry home, would you?

I love you.

xo,
Me

p.s. On a related note: all the smoke detectors were beeping so Frit and I took them down to replace the batteries. That was a year ago and we still haven't hooked them back up. Would you please take care of that?

p.p.s. The dishwasher is broken too. It's stuck on heated dry or something.

p.p.p.s. Thanks love. I think you're wonderful you know.

Merlin's Magical Match (and a few of my recent sewing projects)

2009-09-28T13:43:00.005-06:00

Before I get to the projects that kept me busy last week, I believe that I did promise a hilarious story about Frit. And I won't keep you waiting any longer...

Blame it on Izzy. Blame it on fast approaching birthdays. Blame it on whatever, but the fact of the matter is that Frit and I have been discussing a lot on the topic of "dating" lately. Mostly, about how we don't. Date that is. And you can blame that on, well...we can't figure that one out. I mean we're both pretty cute, successful, smart, spiritually faithful, and we are absolutely the funniest people we know. But we can't seem to find "any one" let alone the "right one" to date. We're guessing it's mostly due to the fact that we're very rarely in situations where we have the opportunity to meet single, LDS men who are slightly older, still normal, don't live in their mother's basement, and have legitimate jobs. So in an effort to, well, put more effort into this area of our lives, we've both signed up for eHarmony. Actually we both have profiles, but Frit's the only one who paid (I'm still not sure I can do it).

So Frit spent an hour answering the questions in the compatability test, paid her membership fees and we waited for the matches to begin rolling in. Soon enough, Match #1:

Merlin (interesting name, but alright, we'll go with it. We're not in any position to be picky over a name)
Orem, UT (same state, that's a plus)
Doesn't smoke. Doesn't drink. (good answers, those are definitely deal breakers)
Christian-LDS (super!)
Age 76 (wha-what? Excuse us?!)

We are DYING laughing at this point. It's even funnier if you know that Frit has her Masters in Social Work with a specialty in geriatrics. She loves old people like some people love chocolate. If she could live in an assisted living facility, she would. Even at her ripe old age of 36.

Between belly-laughs we figured out that when she was filling out her profile, she accidentally selected her birth year as 1927 instead of 1972. And the only way to fix it was to email the Help Desk at eHarmony, explain what she did, and have them fix it. Within a day it was fixed, but she still wasn't getting any matches, which just seemed crazy! I mean are there no 30-40-year-old LDS men in the western United States on eHarmony? There had to be at least one! So again, after a little investigating, she realized that when she had made her original mistake of listing herself as 82 years old, eHarmony had automatically calculated that she was currently looking for men between the ages of 72 and 102! Baaaaaaah! She quickly fixed the age range and then, finally, the matches began rollin' in.

The sad thing was that for the first few days Merlin was definitely the best catch of them all. His photo was darling and his answers to the profile questions were by far the sweetest, most sincere, just-what-you're-looking-for in a man. She's since gotten a few more matches in her actual age range that look nice, thankfully. So we'll see how this pans out. It's all very weird, we both admit, but we figure, at this point, we've got to do all that lies in our power and let God do the rest. If that means signing up for eHarmony, well then, we'll do it. But I couldn't not share that story here!

And now, onto the projects that kept me busy last week...

Sewing Izzy's Blessing Dress (In the LDS faith children aren't baptized until they turn 8, but new babies are given a special blessing by their fathers in Sunday services before the congregation.)

I firmly believe that bloomers are an essential element of every baby dress.

I also spent some time making a gift for a baby shower I attended on Saturday:

I sewed a small quilt with a patchwork of flannel on one side and plush minky on the other as well as a few embellished burp cloths.

It was quite the week and I was happy as a clam working away at my sewing machine. This week, I'll be busy doing a bit of consulting for a company that needs some PR and marketing help as well as working on my own "stuff." Can't wait to share more (soon)!

Hope you're having a lovely Monday.

p.s. just a reminder: don't leave any stupid comments about being single, dating, what our "problem is," etc. You know how much I hate stupid comments regarding this subject.

My Pot is Bubbling Over

2009-09-25T07:00:00.001-06:00

Is that like my cup running over? Hmm. I'll have to think about that. In the meantime, I have a hilarious story about Frit ... that I will be sharing on Monday (oh good gracious, you REALLY want to stop by on Monday. I don't even know if I can wait that long!), but today I want to talk (write) through some things I've been thinking about, as it pertains to where I'm headed. I know! Aren't you so excited?! Me TOO!

As I've faced unemployment square in the wide-open-with-possibilities face, I've had daily visions of all the things I've always wanted to do but never did because I didn't have time. Before, when I had a job, it was all I could do at the end of the day to put on pajamas, fix a PB&J for dinner, and watch Cosby Show (best show ever) on DVD until bedtime.

But now, having 8 hours of my planner not tied to a job, makes me feel full of life and excitement for what my life can/could be. Having said that, I don't want to diminish the time I spent in my last job. I knew, as a young college graduate, that when I said "Yes" to the job offer, that it was exactly where I was supposed to be. It was exactly what I was supposed to do. And over the last six years I have gained a vast and varied skill set that now makes me highly marketable & incredibly knowledgeable. I mean, I was the publicist responsible for the nomination that led to a Grammy-win for Gladys Knight for cryin' out loud! I produced and managed a regional musical tour seen by almost 150,000 people over the last three years! I placed media stories & appearances for our recording artists that resulted in 10,000,000+ media impressions in one year! No, my time there was not wasted. I gave so much. I learned so much. I became so much.

But seasons change and now it is time to put that knowledge to use to support my passions, and my dreams. All of them. Some people think that the trouble with us Pisces is that we're always swimming in two, three, ten different directions. But the great thing about being a Pisces is that I'm always swimming two, three, ten different directions! I love the energy I feel when my brain cranks are churning, dreaming, flying in different directions. Particularly the dreaming. That is how I've spent much of my last two weeks.

And as I've looked at and thought about all my ideas and dreams, I've begun to realize that our desires/ideas/dreams contain clues to what we’re best suited for and capable to achieving. If you want big things, you’re capable of doing big things. If you feel inclined toward a certain thing, then you'll be able to do it. But too often we limit ourselves because of fear, or uncertainty, or lack of know-how. But as my friend Laurel so appropriately quoted Lee Iacocca recently:

So what do we do?
Anything.
Something.
So long as we just don't sit there.
If we screw it up, start over.
Try something else.
If we wait until we've satisfied all uncertainties,
it may be too late.

I'm not certain that my ideas are right. I feel like they are, but if I'm wrong, I'll start over. If I fail, I'll try again. And never in my life have I looked at things with this type of an attitude. I'm one who appreciates certainty, safety, maps, outlines, step by step instructions for success. I've always steered clear of doing things I knew I wouldn't be good at. But I don't know if I'm going to be good at this. But I'm at a place where I can't help but try. The pot is bubbling over and I can't put a lid on it. I don't want to.

I'm a Mary Kay Consultant. Yes I Am!

2009-09-24T13:19:00.004-06:00

Yep. It's true. I've used (and loved) Mary Kay skin care and cosmetics for the last seven years and I became a consultant a year ago. I've never "put that out here" on my blog because I've always been too worried about what people would think. I mean, I know the stigma. Even I've had to dodge a couple "too exuberant" Mary Kay ladies. Bless their hearts.

But the fact of the matter is that 1) I love MK products. 2) I will be making some big Future Life Plan announcements here in the next few weeks. In order to achieve those Life Plans I need capital and my MK business can supply the needed funds. 3) I love MK products. 4) I gots to pay the bills! 5) I love MK products.

So I'm swallowing my fear of what you'll think of me and I'm letting you know. I'm a Mary Kay Consultant (Yes I am). What does that mean for you? Well. It means that if you need a new look, or a new cleanser, or a way to ward off/diminish the signs of aging, or sunscreen for you or your kids -- I'm your gal. Or if you want softer lips, a softer face, or softer hands, again -- I'm your gal. Of if you're looking for a new fragrance, struggle with sensitive skin, dry skin, oily skin, or acne prone skin -- I am your gal.

And just so you know ... because I know how annoying it is to be called every week by a Mary Kay lady (believe me, I know), I'm not that kind of a consultant. My current customers can attest: they call me more than I call them. Sometimes I even forget to charge them. BONUS! :)

Bottom line: if you love MK and are looking for a new consultant, or if you've ever wanted to try it but have been nervous to show any sign of interest with another Mary Kay lady, give me a jingle. I'm super laid back, way nice (at least my friends say so), and really enjoy helping other people find new ways to look and feel their best. (I know that sounds like a commercial but I actually really mean it).

You can check out the products at MaryKay.com (there's a fun virtual makeover on the site that I love playing with). If you see something you need, just email me at kristaqm[at]gmail[dot]com or call 801*360*1235. Because I love MK products (have I mentioned that yet?) and my blog readers, I decided to run a special just for you: 20% off any one item through the end of September. I keep most everything in stock so I can fill orders quickly and I also offer special rates on shipping if you're out of state.

If you live in Utah, I'm also happy to come to you and do a free facial or color consultation. And if you'd like to hostess a Skin Care class, Color 101 class, or Spa Night for your friends, lemme know. We have a rockin' time at those classes and parties! And last but certainly not least, there are also a slew of really great products for men.

Happy Shopping!

(And remember to stay tuned for big news about my Future Life Plans. I'm getting really excited!)

The Rules of Unemployment

2009-09-22T14:53:00.004-06:00

Are as follows:

1. I will be out of bed by 7:00 a.m. daily
2. I will be showered and dressed (with make-up and jewelry) by 10:00 a.m. daily
3. I will go to the gym daily
4. I will read my scriptures and other spirit-lifting literature before noon daily
5. I will make my bed before noon daily
6. I will do at least one productive thing every day. List of options? Oh yes:
a) service
b) visiting
c) tasks associated with future professional plans/job searching/job creation/etc.
d) cleaning/organizing
e) yard work

How I'm Spending My Monday Morning

2009-09-21T10:09:00.005-06:00

This is me, spending a sunny Monday morning on my couch. And that little sugar lump is Izzy, fast asleep in her favorite spot. Ah, the things you can do when you don't have a job.

When Life Hands You Lemons

2009-09-16T10:37:00.005-06:00

Make a peach pie!

Well, alright. I realize that that might be a bit of a stretch, logistically speaking, but the fact of the matter is ... I've had enough of my pity party. Two days were plenty, and by the end of yesterday, even I was tired of being around me.

So I hit a bump in the road. Big deal. I allowed myself to go through the emotions--all of them. From shock, to happy, to sad, to mad, to excitement, to a little bit more mad, to hurt, to relief, to just...okay. And then got up and I made a peach pie with the leftover peaches we canned on Monday night.

After dinner, Frit and I went to religion class where, ironically, the best friend of my former job's CEO (did you follow that?) was teaching and she had us all stand up at the beginning of the class and say our names and share what we "do." Frit looked at me and burst out laughing. I stood up and just said I "did" marketing. Apparently the gods are trying to keep me humble. And it was a funny way to end my pity party.

But Wendy (my former job's CEO's best friend) did say something that stood out to me. We were studying Genesis 24-50 last night, particularly the juxtoposition of freedom and bondage in those chapters, and she said, "Before we came to this life, we each promised Heavenly Father that we'd fulfill our purpose here. And if something doesn't feel right about the path you're on, then perhaps you're not doing what you told Him you would do." (that's not a direct quote but it's the basic jist).

And you know, she's right. I haven't felt "right" at that job for some time, but because my fear of the unknown, I stayed put. I was in bondage in a sense. But now I have a chance to figure out exactly what I need to be doing, and more especially, to grow more into my true self because of this situation.

So no more pity party. No more aimless wandering. No more staying in pajamas until noon. No more feeling lost. Because I'm not. I am a child of God and He loves me. He knows me and guides me. And He knows what He's doing even when I don't. He has given me talents and abilities and hopes and dreams for a reason and those are the things that make me unique (my special sauce). And that is what defines me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to make a plan. I think I know what to do. That is, right after I eat a piece of pie.

Question of the Day

2009-09-15T08:51:00.005-06:00

Before I get on with the "real" post, here are two quick housekeeping items:

1. Thank you for ALL the gift cards and clothing for the Hardman Family. I'm waiting for two more cards (that are in the mail) and once I have those, I'll be sending everything to the Hardman's. You can read an article about how they and their neighbors are doing here.

2. Yesterday, I showed Cooper my post about his crush. He beamed the entire time he was reading it as though he had "arrived" now that his face was on the internet. And when he got to the end and read the last sentence, he looked at me almost shocked that I hadn't realized that HE could make me a flower, and with the sweetest enthusiasm said: "I could make you one!" And he did. Colored in my favorite colors. Bless him. If only he were 20 years older.

And now for the "real" post...

As most of you know I lost my job last Thursday. Well, the very next day I went to an all-day event with my friend Mindy and then on Saturday, I helped at a booth at a Healthy Living Expo. Sunday was of course busy busy with Church as well as a photo shoot with my youngest sister. So yesterday was the first real day without a job and I was determined to enjoy it.

I got up, ate breakfast, and went to the gym. Then I got ready for the day and stopped by a neighbor's house to go over some things for my new job at Church. Then I came home and made a list of grocery items and errands I needed to run. I finished all of that by 1:30. So I came home and cleaned my bathroom.

2:00.

At this point I began to feel lost. There were certainly still things I could do, but instead I just sat on my couch staring at the wall while a thunderstorm turned the sky dark and pelted my house with a monsoon. Luckily Frit came home a couple hours later and we canned peaches for Family Night.

She keeps asking me how I'm feeling but I never know how to answer her. Even as I write this I don't know. Because I really am so extremely happy to not be working there anymore. I'm still totally thrilled that my life is wide open to endless possibilities. But right now, I just feel lost.

That job, even though it was hell on earth this last year, was my "thing." It was where I went every day. It was what I did every day. It employed the people I talked to every day. It was the green box that took up the majority of every day in my perfectly color-coded planner. When someone asked, "What do you do?" it was my answer. And I'll admit, I felt proud of the title and the position, perhaps to a fault.

But now I don't know where to go or what to do. My planner has no colors. If someone asks, "What do you do?" (and someone did on Friday), I don't have an answer. And all of that is a very weird feeling.

But the thought came to me this morning, I think as an answer to prayer: Your job did not define you. Whoa. Say what? Come again? Your job did not define you. And when I stopped to really think about that, it's true. But it's also totally and completely shocking. Because if my job didn't define me, then the question becomes: what does?

And that my friends, is the question of the day.

Secret Notes and Swollen Tongues

2009-09-12T15:52:00.006-06:00

Do you remember the blue-tongued munchkin? Well, today I'd like to introduce you to his twin brother, Cooper. Oh, my Coop. He's a special one, this one is--one of my bestest buddies. We always sit beside each other when the chance warrants and if we're in a large crowd where holding hands is required I can always count on mine being in Coop's. Quick with a hug and a kiss, he's tender as tender can be. And funny to boot.

Just the other day his mom offered him a cinnamon bear to which he disgustedly and adamantly declined while informing her, "No way. Cinnamon bears are an insult to the gummy bear family."

I love this kid. And I love him even more after the conversation Frit and I had with him yesterday when we went to stopped in to see the baby. A like so...

K&F: Hey Coop! What's going on? How was school?

C: Weeeelllll...I have a crush. [remember he's 10 and in 5th grade]

K&F: Oh yeah? What's her name? Does she know you like her?

C: Um, her name is Kai. Aaaand I sent her a note written in her favorite colors (red and pink) telling her.

Cameron, the twin brother interjects: With a poem!

K&F: Well what'd the poem say?

C: Roses are red, violets are blue, and I have a crush on you.

K&F: Did you have a check box at the bottom for her to check yes or no if she likes you back?

C: Um, no. I just sent her another note later asking her if she had a crush on me too and she said yes.

K&F [DYING inside]: Ah yes. Very good. Sooo...what do you like about her?

C: Um...her laugh.

K&F: A very good reason for a crush. Is she pretty?

C: Well I think so.

K&F: So do you like her a lot?

C: Yeah, pretty much. You know in the movie Elf when Buddy says he feels like his tongue swells up when he looks at Jovie? Well, that's how I feel. And when she said she had a crush on me too, I couldn't concentrate for the rest of the day.

K&F [REALLY dying inside]: Oh wow. Yeah, that's a pretty serious crush.

Oh it was the best conversation I've had in weeks! Shmov said later that Coop also told her that when he was looking at her (Kai, the crush that is) as she walked past him that she very demurely nodded her head to him in acknowledgement.

Seriously, I don't make this stuff up! And I LOVE it! It reminds me of 5th grade when I "went out with" Adam Schwartz (we didn't ever go anywhere by the way) and Brian Hollingsworth would call me and ask if I liked Adam and I would have Leah Mischler call Adam for me to ask if he liked me. These phone calls were a daily occurance. Grade school romance is seriously where it's at. And I must say Cooper is going to be the best crush Kai will ever have, in the whole wide world. He even made her a folded paper flower colored in red and pink magic marker.

Oh to be 10. Now if only I could find someone to make me a colored paper flower...

The Day After I Lost My Job

2009-09-11T22:46:00.007-06:00

Today was the first day on my path to what's next. And that picture above proves that I believe there is something important and worthwhile for me. I took it right before I left the house this morning and I love that I can see no ounce of fear in my eyes. I still haven't figured everything out, but it's okay, and I find myself completely energized by the idea of taking the time to breathe and regroup. I honestly feel alive for the first time in a long time. The possibilities are endless and reeling. I feel ... free.

Now if I'm being totally honest, I've still felt a bit of anger a couple times today over how everything ended yesterday. Like, why, if my boss noticed that I wasn't happy, didn't he call me in and say, "Hey, I know this job isn't ideal, but how can we work this out to be better?" or "I can sense you're not happy." or "I noticed you're not as go-gettum as you used to be." I mean I never even got a notice or a warning or a pink slip or anything. And I'm also angry because I feel like there was no one who went to bat for me. I mean if they were having discussions about letting me go, why didn't anyone say, "You know she has really been an asset to our company. She held so much together during the many management changes in her department. She defended our reputation on numerous occasions. She stepped in and did impossible things when no one else would. She's always been a team player, how/where can we better use her talents?" I think that's the thing that stings the most. I gave so much. And this is how I get thanked.

But ... today I decided, I'm not going to talk about or acknowledge the anger again after this. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be angry. I choose to be positive. I am so grateful for the time I had there, for the people I worked with (most of them), and the opportunities to learn and grow in so many ways professionally. And really, being let go turned out better for me than if I'd quit. This way I still have access to my paid leave and my pension.

So, my dear friends. I thank you for your support, your love, your care, your concern, and your prayers. For sure, keep it comin' but just know ... I'm so happy. More happy than I have been in a long time. I have one, amazing, life to live and I'm ready to live it.

I love you.

p.s. I'm of course weighing all my options over the next few weeks and evaluating what I want, who I want to be, and where I feel can make the best, most valuable, contribution and I'd like to pose a question to you ... if I asked you to tell me (from your perspective) three ingredients that make up my "special sauce," meaning three things that make me unique and different and "Krista", what would you tell me? I've been thinking about this today and I think it's valuable to ask others what they see from their perspective. So lay it on me. :) (Does that make sense?)

Free Falling

2009-09-10T16:33:00.009-06:00

What to say? What to say?

Today’s lesson doesn’t come from the garden. It just comes from life. And perhaps all these lessons from the garden were really meant for me. For today. Perhaps they were God’s little way of preparing me, whispering to me, “Krista, my wonderful daughter, whom I love more than the world. I need you to remember a few things, because you’re about to leave one season of your life and enter a new one. You’re about to hit a rock in the path and you might wind up feeling a little dead, wondering where to go next. But if you can remember. Just remember, that I know the seasons from beginning to end and I guide their change. Remember that the rocks along your path keep you soft. Remember that what feels dead inside you now, will live again with the new sun of tomorrow. Remember that if you’ll just hold on to Me, I’ll help you grow and change and become all that I meant for you to become.”

See, once upon a time I was a senior in college. I got a PR internship with an entertainment company during my last semester. It wasn’t in my particular emphasis, but it was an internship and I needed one to graduate, so I took it. Well the internship turned into a job offer, a really good job offer, and though it wasn’t what I’d planned on doing with my degree, I’d grown to love it. Really love it. I was thriving and contributing and leading. And it was where God told me to stay. So I did.

For five years, I gave my life in a sense. Because when you’re single, that’s what you do. Your job is the thing that defines you. It’s what you use to fill the missing spaces left by the absence of a husband and children. It’s where you spend your time and find your validation. And so you give and you give and you give. And then you give some more.

I gave so much sometimes that I didn’t have anything left. For myself or for anyone else. I was doing the job of two people, quite literally sometimes. But I was happy to make other people look good and excited at all the things I was accomplishing. I had started as the Manager of PR and had made my way to Director of Marketing for our department and that felt good.

But then the economy tanked and our company took a hit. We had to streamline and evaluate where we could “trim the fat.” My position was eliminated at the beginning of the year and I was asked to fill a different set of roles. And while I was grateful for a job, the new position was a blow. I tried to make it sound good when I explained it to others, but I was puffing it up. At best I was a grunt assistant. My boss didn’t even give it a title when he told me where they were moving me because I’m sure he knew exactly what it was too.

I tried really hard to be positive. I tried to contribute. But I felt like my brain was turning to mush with every agenda + water bottle I set out for their meetings. I felt like every creative spark I had was being snuffed out with every set of minutes I took and task list I created. I felt like everything I had contributed to that point didn’t matter. Like I’d worked my tail off for five years for nothing. Not even a thank you.

Well today, I lost my job. And it stings.

At the same time though, I’ve been wanting to quit. I’ve been planning to quit. But I’ve just been too scared, worried to death that I wouldn’t be able to survive if I did. That’s the scary part about being single, you don’t have anyone to fall back on if you fail. There’s no one to pick up the slack when you fall. Yes, I have Frit and a wonderful family, but when push comes to shove, I have to pay rent. I have to pay the phone bill. I have to buy my groceries. There is no one else. And that’s petrifying.

But the lesson today is: God will push you over the cliff if you’re too afraid to jump.

So here I am. This is me. Free falling. (Hellooooo!). All the while remembering that to everything there is a season, that rocks make me soft, that just because something looks dead doesn’t mean it is, and that I just need to hold on to Him.

I'll see ya when I land.

Lessons from My Garden: Lesson 5

2009-09-10T12:22:00.004-06:00

Lesson 5: You May Have Weeded Today, But You'll Probably Have to Weed Again Tomorrow

One afternoon, after work, I spent the rest of what was left of daylight weeding. As I said before I'm a bit OCD when it comes to tasks like this and with my trowel in one hand and a bucket in the other, any weed no matter how big or small was no match for me. By dusk I had pulled every, single, solitary sprout.

A few days later I was sitting by the window in the living room, just thinking and looking out over the backyard, when I noticed tiny green weeds pushing up through the dirt in the garden beds I had just weeded (!). Seriously?

So I went out and pulled all the new growth up. But when I went out to inspect everything the following Saturday morning, I found more tiny sprouts! Now, for sure there were fewer than there were in the beginning, but no matter how many times Frit or I weeded, there were always more to be found the next weekend.

It reminded me of this time I was struggling with a particular weakness. I'd struggled with it for years and I'd finally tackled it, overcome it, and put it behind me. But soon I noticed another weakness. And once I'd tackled it, another cropped up. I felt frustrated, like all my work and discipline was for nothing, like it almost didn't matter, like no matter how hard I tried, there would always be something, some bad habit or some unbecoming personality trait standing in the way of who I want to become. Just like the weeds--no matter how many times I weeded, there always seemed to be more a few days later.

But the thing I realized was that it's okay. Just because there are more weeds on Wednesday, it doesn't negate all the hard work I did on Monday. Flowers still bloom and gardens still flourish despite (and in spite of) the weeds. The key is to just keep weeding. The only time weeds become a problem is when you stop pulling them.

Life is a process of betterment and change. Everyday we weed out our lives, whether it's clearing the clutter on our desk, in our hearts, or from our Spirits. And tomorrow there may be more clutter, but that doesn't change the fact that you cleared it out today. The key is to just keep weeding.

Oh, and remember: The flowers are still blooming. Choose to see them, instead of all the weeds.

Lessons from My Garden: Lesson 4

2009-09-10T05:23:00.003-06:00

Lesson 4: Sometimes You Just Need Something to Hold On To

Everything grows up. But some things aren't strong enough to grow as high as they need to without something to hold on to. Vegetables like peas and tomatoes need tall cages or wood lattice or stakes tied with string to keep themselves steadily growing upwards. Flowering vines like wisteria or clematis actually seek out stability to wrap themselves around.

Like peas and tomatoes, wisteria and clematis, we too are growing up. Up into adulthood or womanhood or motherhood. Up into someone (hopefully) better than yesterday. Up toward God. And sometimes we just need something to hold onto. Something to help us reach up one more inch.

What do you hold onto?

Lessons from My Garden: Lesson 3

2009-09-09T16:38:00.005-06:00

Lesson 3: Just Because Something Looks Dead Doesn't Mean It Is

Last year was our first year of gardening and when the harvest came to an end, we didn't really know what to do so, we did nothing. We just left it alone and soon enough the snows came to blanket our yard with white.

Come Spring, the snow melted and we were left with the decay that grows under months of frozen ice. Dead flowers, brown shrubs, lifeless garden. We didn't really know what to do to prep our beds for a new planting season (Do we pull the dead stuff up? Do we trim it back?) so again, we did nothing. Well, nothing more than clearing the stray leaves and waiting until we could get to the nursery to ask the experts what to do with all the deadness.

But as we waited for a free Saturday, we saw green began to push its way up past the brown and what once was destined for Monday morning trash pick-up was slowly coming back to life and flowering in beautiful ways.

Have you ever thought about how quick we are to throw dead, or broken, or old things away? Toaster doesn't work? Toss it. Shoe sole cracked? Toss it. Paint chipped? Toss it. Glass cracked? Toss it. Dress isn't fashionable? Toss it.

And what about less tangible, but more important things like faith, or hope, dreams, talents, confidence, self worth, love, or even marriage? Do we simply toss those things too because one day we wake up and realize they've died? Yeah, I think sometimes we do.

But what if ... what if, what seems dead, really isn't? What if all it needs is a new battery? A new sole? A little sunlight? A bit of hard work? A little attention?

I choose to believe that all of those things (all of them) can, and will, come back to life. Faith can be restored. Dreams can be reborn. Talents can be refound. Self worth can be reclaimed. A marriage can be repaired.

Because -- just because something looks dead, doesn't mean it is.

Lessons from My Garden: Lesson 2

2009-09-08T21:37:00.005-06:00

Lesson 2: Rocks Are Good

Two Springs ago, when we were clearing the garden beds for the first time since moving into our house, Frit told me to clear the weeds and rocks completely from the soil. Being the obedient, thorough, hard working, slightly OCD gal that I am, I began to meticulously comb the dirt for every sprout and stone, large or small. I was pulling stuff she couldn't even see! (Have I ever told you she's blind as a bat? I don't think I have. So. FYI: She's blind as a bat.) I was so pleased with myself and the great job I was doing.

Well Frit's sister and brother-in-law were helping us that day and about two hours into my clearing, Zak (the brother-in-law) sidled up beside me to see what I was doing. I proudly pointed out my growing mountain (mound) of rocks and the beautifully sifted soil. "Why are you doing that?!" he quickly and incredulously asked. "Because Frit told me to," I answered, slightly deflated that my skillz had gone unpraised. "No, no. You're not going to want to do that," he said. "Rocks keep the soil soft. So keep taking out the huge rocks, but leave the mid-sized and small ones behind. They'll help keep the dirt from packing together too tightly and getting hard."

Aha.

I couldn't help but think of Paul, dear Paul, and his thorn in the flesh. I couldn't help but think about my own hard things--all the rocks and stones and boulders that litter the soil of my own life's path. And I saw. I saw how they keep me soft. Soft enough for the rain to seep in and the sun's warmth to sink deep. Soft enough for seeds to break open and yield new life.

Yes. Rocks are good.

***

And the Lord spake unto me saying ... I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. (Found here.)

Lessons from My Garden: Lesson 1

2009-09-08T06:00:00.004-06:00

Lesson 1: To Everything There Is a Season

Winter, though distant on the horizon, is still in sight. And 'round these parts, winter means snow. Now I'll be the first to say (usually about a day after the first snow fall), "Alright already! I've had enough. Give me Spring or give me death!" (What? So I'm a little dramatic), but I've come to understand, that my garden needs Winter. She needs the time to rest, to retreat, to hibernate. And for many of our flowers, one of their most important periods of growth is during those frozen Winter months.

There have been times, when I have faced the winter of life, times where it seems as though I was under a blanket of snow. And I've found that in these times, I too retreat and pull in. I hibernate, in a sense, until I can make sense.

But I've also found that sometimes it wasn't necessarily as dreary as I thought. Other times, it was. But regardless, I've learned that in spite of the darkness, I, like my garden, was being prepared for the coming Sun. I was undergoing some of my most important periods of growth. And much like my garden, come Spring, the hard, frozen Earth, gives way to fuller blooms than the year before. But I needed Winter in order to get there.

God wasn't just waxing poetic when he said, "To everything there is a season." For without the freeze of winter, we wouldn't understand the warmth of Spring. And without the blaze of summer, we wouldn't appreciate the cool of Fall. Without sadness, we wouldn't understand joy. And without darkness, we wouldn't appreciate light.

The seasons and cycles my garden endures teaches me that I need the cold and the dark as much as I need the warmth and the light. For in them I find the time to every purpose under heaven.

Sometimes

2009-09-05T14:41:00.004-06:00

Sometimes I put a pillow under my shirt just to see what it would look like if I was pregnant.

Sometimes when I see other people's babies, I think, "Lucky."

Sometimes when I rock this little one to sleep, I fall asleep too because there is no more perfectly peaceful place in all the world.

Sometimes when I hold her close, up on my chest, a few tears might fall.

Sometimes I want to gobble up her little toes, and fingers, and cheeks.

Sometimes she looks me right in the eye and I know, she sees more and knows more than I realize.

Sometimes I think Motherhood is where it's at. Actually, always I think that.

Sometimes I think about Someday and I just can't wait.

(the baby girl in these photos belongs to Shmovel. the photos were taken by me.)

Why I Pray

2009-09-02T21:09:00.006-06:00

First, I must say "THANK YOU" from the tips of my toes for your willingness to help a family in need. As they begin to rebuild their lives and their home, I know they are grateful beyond measure for your outpouring of kindness and love. Due to the overwhelming response (from complete strangers around the world!), I'm going to hold off a few days sending the package of gift cards so that everyone has time to get their donations to me. So if you're still interested, just shoot me an email (kristaqm[at]gmail[dot]com) and I'll let you know how you can help. Again, thank you. Seriously.

For those who requested an update on the Hardman family…they are staying with family members until they can rebuild. They did (thankfully) have insurance, but the process of collecting and rebuilding is a drawn-out one, so I’m sure the next year will be a long one. Tomorrow, the embers will hopefully have cooled enough for them to sift through the ashes to see if anything was spared. Oh, and my co-workers mom finally got a hair brush yesterday. She was ecstatic!

***

In the midst of this tragedy, I've been thinking a lot about "home" and how devastating it would be to loose mine. I’ve been thinking about the things I would take if I only had 15 minutes to evacuate. Growing up on the Atlantic coast we evacuated a handful of times for hurricanes, but we always had time. Time to think. Time to pack. Time to say goodbye to things that might not be waiting for us when we returned.

I remember quite particularly the time we evacuated for Hurricane Hugo in 1989. I was ten and had just started fifth grade. We had been watching it on the news for weeks and even taped a storm-tracker map to the fridge where we would mark his ominous path with tiny x’s. All the way across the Atlantic he traveled, growing and swirling and eventually, heading straight for my house.

We waited as long as we could. The suggested evacuation became mandatory and my mom began gathering boxes of family photos and important documents. My dad began gathering food and water for himself and one of his captains. They were going to take our two boats up behind the island, tie them to granddad’s boat, and ride it out.

Mom sent me to my room to pack up the things that were important to me and I gathered my scriptures, my journal, and a few photographs. Then I carefully took down my Debbie Gibson, Tiffany, and New Kids on the Block posters, folded them up and stacked them with my Bop Magazine inside my Jamms covered Trapper Keeper. I was ready.

It was raining when we began loading the car and I could hear the sirens from the fire trucks driving through the neighborhood. A drenched firefighter was running from house to house knocking on doors, making sure people were leaving.

I can’t remember when we said goodbye to my dad, whether it was the night before or on our way out of town, but I remember all of us standing in the dimly lit cabin on the lower deck surrounded by stacks of canned food and plastic water jugs. I also don’t remember crying or wondering why my dad was staying. I suppose as a 10-year-old I understood that this was what the men had to do. The boats were our livelihood and of course they had to stay with them to make sure they weathered the storm. To make sure they weren’t ransacked by opportunists after the storm passed. As a 30-year-old I can’t begin to fathom the reasoning. But it’s what they did none-the-less.

I rode with my grandma in the front seat of her Cadillac (or maybe it was a Lincoln) on the way off the island. My mom drove the van behind us. I don’t remember where my sisters, cats or our new puppy rode, but I remember the Trapper Keeper sitting safely on my lap. I remember it took 12 hours to drive a distance that normally took 45 minutes. I remember people getting out of their cars to relieve themselves in the woods by the side of the road and talk to the strangers in the car next to them. Except we weren’t strangers, not anymore. We had all just left our homes and there was a camaraderie that came with our collective loss and the impending unknown we each faced. We were all in the same boat with nothing more than what we could carry in our cars.

We finally made it to middle-Georgia where we found a room at a run down motel. Finding a vacancy was like finding gold. We walked up the stairs to the second floor past open doors to every room. Grown-ups sat on the edges of the beds, eyes glued to the news. Kids ran around, making new friends. “No pets” rules didn’t apply in times like these and if I close my eyes I can still hear the sound of kids running and playing and the howl of the dogs and cats in my head.

Eventually, the children were ushered into their rooms and the doors were shut. The storm was making landfall and I suppose the weight of such a thing causes families to pull in everyone and everything dear to them and to hold on within themselves. And I think that's the way it's supposed to be.

We watched as the storm crept closer and closer, the eye heading straight for my island, my house, my church, my school—and my dad. Mom told us to get on our knees and we obediently lined up at the foot of the bed and prayed with every ounce of faith a 10, 8, and 2-year-old could muster. If you’re wondering, that’s a lot.

And when it counted, Hugo turned just a few degrees north wreaking his havoc on Charleston instead of us, sparing my dad and granddad. Of course speculation is futile, but had the hurricane stayed its course, we all doubted that we’d still have them with us.

We’ve evacuated a few more times since then, always winding up “lucky” in the end, being able to come home to a house still in tact and boats that will continue to put food on the table and provide summer jobs at least for another year. Everyone says, “We’re overdue for a big one.” Obviously we hope not.

I’ll freely admit that I don’t understand the rhyme or reason of disasters. To be honest, I don’t know that there is any. Who knows when it will be our “turn?” Who know why Charleston had to take the beating while we were spared? Who knows why the Hardman’s house burned down but not their neighbor’s?

Some say “God’s will.” But I don’t know if I (completely) believe that. I know I don’t believe that my prayers saved my dad and granddad that day. Believing so would imply that people weren’t praying hard enough for their loved ones in Charleston. And I don’t believe that. Or that God listened to my prayers, but not someone else's. And I don’t believe that either.

Yes, I believe in miracles. And yes, I believe that prayers can bring about those miracles. I do believe in God and I also believe that He can do anything. So yes, I guess there is an element of God's will involved. But I also believe that, because God loves us and wants us to become better and more than who we were yesterday, He won’t. Hard things, disasters and tragedy included, are a part of this life. And anyone who has made it to the other side of sorrow will explain that those experiences brought knowledge and understanding and depth and compassion.

That night, in a little hotel room in middle-Georgia, at the foot of the bed with my sisters on one side and my mom on the other, we prayed that God would keep our dad and granddad safe. And while I don’t believe that that prayer saved my dad, I do believe that it saved us.

See, praying doesn’t save us from disaster. It saves us in disaster. It is the immediate and direct link to an all-loving Father who has the power to calm and comfort and guide us through the storms and disasters of life.

And faith doesn’t save us from heartache. It saves us in heartache. Because faith, is the stabilizing power you can count on when you face uncertainty.

And that is why I pray. With faith.

Call for Help: Bring Aid to Victims of California Wildfires

2009-09-01T16:11:00.004-06:00

Dear Friends,

I just learned that one of my co-worker's family's home was completely burned down in the CA wildfires this past Sunday. In addition to her parents losing everything (and I mean everything), her brother's family was living there as well while he and his wife looked for a home, so with the destruction of this one home, two families have now been displaced and are without all basic necessities and comforts of home.

They only had 20 minutes to evacuate so they left wearing the Church clothes on their backs (they had just gotten home from Sunday services), the baby in their arms, a file folder with birth certificates, a few family pictures from the walls, and their grandfather's wedding ring. My co-worker's poor mom cried today that she "didn't even have a hairbrush." And I just thought, It's amazing all the little things we take for granted everyday, isn't it?

I know lots of families are affected by this disaster, and I think if we all chip in in small ways, we can make a big difference. So. I've decided to send some money and gift cards to help this particular family get back on their feet and thought I would let you know, so that if you wanted to donate too, you could. If you're in any position to help, let me know. Any amount, no matter how large or small will be a blessing to them, I'm sure.

Stores they have nearby are:
Wal-Mart
Target
Bed, Bath, and Beyond
JC Penny
Lowe's
Home Depot
(Eventually, they'll need appliances and such, so I thought I'd include those last two on the list.)

OK! If you're interested, email me at kristaqm[at]gmail[dot]com and I'll send you my address to either mail (or drop off) money or gift cards. I'd like to send this package of gift cards by next Tuesday, Sept. 8.

p.s. if you live in Utah and want to help, but aren't financially in a position to do so, we are also holding a clothes drive at work. You can drop clothes/bedding/towels/etc. off at my house and I'll take them in. Again, just email me and I'll send you my address. The sizes needed are:
Men’s Clothing: pant sizes 34x30 and 34x 32; shirts - large; dress shirts – 16-1/2x34
Women’s Clothing: pant size 14; shirts large
Toddler (Boy): size 18-24 months

*POST EDIT: A few people have asked about posting this "call for help" on their blogs and most certainly please feel free to spread the word. Just list my email address or link them back to this post for the story and I'll be glad to collect any donation. I know this family will be so grateful. Thank you all SO much for the outpouring of support and love.

5 Things You Should Know About My Day Yesterday

2009-08-28T06:30:00.004-06:00

1. At work yesterday I was able to sit in a private concert with Mack Wilberg, the conductor and musical director of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, as he played for us, piece by piece, his plans for the Choir's next album. All I can say is that I was thoroughly moved, transported to a beautiful place. It will be an album you will want to listen to over and over again. Cross my heart.

2. I thought about Nutella for the majority of my train ride home.

3. For dinner, I ate a sandwich piled high with tomatoes and cucumbers fresh from the garden. That might be my favorite thing about summer.

4. I test drove a new (to me) car. I think I might put mine up for sale this weekend. Maybe.

5. I said to Frit as we walked out of the Dairy Queen with our mini blizzards, "I don't know why anyone under 40 would want to date me. I wear house slippers to the DQ, I need to be in bed before 10:00 p.m. if I want to function properly the next day, and I prefer to be at home working on a puzzle* rather than being out on the town." She laughed and said, "I don't know why anyone under 80 would want to date you."

6. Here's a bonus, 'cause I know you'll love this one: When Frit got home from work I started to do a little dance for her (cuz that's what we do around our house when someone comes home), but I tripped (over my own foot) when I started my jig and slammed into one side of the kitchen counter and bounced over to the other counter, where I landed in a heap of laughter. Frit continued to belly laugh the entire night at random moments every time the scene popped into her head again. Maybe sometime I'll video a reenactment for you -- just 'cause I love ya.

*It's the puzzle's fault I haven't posted a good post in the last few days. All I can say is if you thought blogging was addictive, try doing a jigsaw. We set up one of those portable, fold-up buffet tables in the living room, and the first night we sat piecing it together for hours whilst we watched My Fair Lady on VHS. The next day it was all I thought about at work. Frit even dreamed about it all night the day before we finished it. Needless to say, we're off to the Wal-Marts to get another one soon.

Parting Shot: 8/27/09

2009-08-27T21:23:00.004-06:00

My Grandma Sally always asks about my garden whenever we talk, which I love, because I love talking about my garden, as you all know. At the beginning of planting season she sent me a packet of seeds for Four O'Clocks so we planted them just for her. The odd thing is that they bloom at 8:00 a.m. and are usually closed at 4:00 p.m. I still haven't figured that one out. But they're lovely little flowers, small and dainty. So Gram, here they are. Planted for you. Hope you enjoy!

G'night!

Parting Shot: 8/25/09

2009-08-25T22:17:00.007-06:00

In an effort to suck every last drop of fun out of summer, Frit and I have gone to a couple SLC Bees games this month. Tonight was particularly splendid because we randomly ran into my baby sister (who knew she'd be there?!). So FUN! I love her to pieces and in fact, I was so excited to see her I couldn't stop smoochin' and squeezin' her cute face.

But anywho ... in honor of baseball, in honor of the Bees, in honor of ballpark dogs and cracker jacks, and in honor of America's pastime, tonight's parting shot is a tiny peek at the neighbor sitting next to us there behind home plate. The little neighbor who was scared to death of us when we first sat down, but was sluggin' Frit's arm like he was Babe himself and yackin' her ear off by top of the 3rd inning. Bless his little heart. (Don't you just love those little feet and pint-sized Converse. Precious!) Play ball!

G'night!

Parting Shot: 8/24/09

2009-08-24T17:29:00.004-06:00

A fairy's view of the zinnias in my garden.

Raining Pink

2009-08-23T18:50:00.004-06:00

A couple weeks ago, Frit and I hostessed a baby shower for Frit's sister Brenda (but we call her Shmovel). This is her fourth baby so she wasn't too keen on being thrown a "shower" per say, but it's been about ten years since her twins were born, and we all adore her, and though she wouldn't say it, she was definitely in need of baby goods--particularly baby girl goods since she only has boys. SO, the compromise was a "girls lunch" with her mom and sisters. BUT, as we all know ... I kind of get carried away with party planning aaaand the "girls lunch" ended up looking, feeling, and tasting a whole lot more like a "baby shower" than a "girls lunch."

I tried. I really tried to be low key. But ... it's pointless. I just can't help myself!

Frit made a diaper cake:

I sewed bedding for the crib:

We offered a stunning display of quiche, salads, and goodies:

dipped chocolate-caramel pretzels for favors:

(we actually wrapped them in celophane and tied them with pretty ribbon
but we ate all of them before I could take a picture)

And baked an assortment of cupcakes (of course)! I do love me some cupcakes!

'Twas a perfect shower. Er...luncheon. Oh who am I kidding?! It was a shower.
Thanks Shmov, for forgiving my inability to keep it simple.

If I Knew I Could Not Fail

2009-08-21T06:17:00.004-06:00

If I knew I could not fail, I would tell him I love him and move to Paris. Not that I would leave as soon as I told him I loved him … but since I can’t fail – he would say he loved me back and then come with me. To Paris.

I would write a book and paint the world. He would play the guitar and make me laugh. We would live off tips gathered on street corners, selling art to tourists. We’d walk through parks and eat in cafes. And maybe just spend an entire day in the Louvre staring at Monet’s Water Lilies. We’d take French classes. We’d sit in cathedrals from dawn to dusk just to watch the light change as it filters through the stained glass. We’d ride bikes. We’d eat pastries. We’d take weekend trips to Tuscany. We’d sleep in fields.

We’d wake up each morning with no plan except to follow our hearts. We’d go to sleep each night knowing we had. We’d be content to - be.

I think I’m just tired these days. Tired of my plans. Tired of my calendar. Tired of my to-do list. Tired of the voice-mails. For some reason, living out of a backpack and watching the world from the Eiffel Tower seems perfect. I used to want to be at the front of that racing world. But this week, I just want to sit on a bench, in the middle of a garden, not saying a word, not worrying that it’s silent, hand in hand, watching flowers grow.

If I knew I could not fail – I would loosen my white-knuckled grip on responsibility. I would let my hair down. I would say what I really feel. I would follow a whim.

***

If you knew you could not fail, what would you do?

Parting Shot: 8/20/09

2009-08-20T22:11:00.003-06:00

I thought you might enjoy seeing the moon rise after having now seen the sunset.

G'night!

Sinking Sunset

2009-08-19T21:29:00.004-06:00

Sunsets sink so slowly, but in an instant they’re gone. And what once blinded, yet held spellbound, my eyes now rests gently behind the jagged mountains, illuminating the silhouette of yet another horizon, leaving, long after it is gone, its florescent residue on tips of clouds … still changing the sky the deeper it falls.

So it seems are the experiences of my life. Heartache, at the time, feels to last for an eternity, but in a moment, the tears are dry. Even the delight of supposed never-ending ecstasy ultimately wanes. The last petal eventually falls from even the most enduring of blooms. The fullness of high tide always ebbs. And in time, a cocoon tucked tight for what appears too many seasons, one day opens and unfolds the beauty of flight.

What makes me stay and watch and wait?

I stay – because I know the cocoon will open, the sunset will soon become sunrise, and fallen tears will dry.
I watch – because I know I’ll be left with a new horizon filled with the richness and color only light can bring.
I wait – because I know that the farther it flies, or sinks, or falls, the more beautiful the sky becomes.

Parting Shot: 8/14/09

2009-08-14T21:12:00.002-06:00

Catie and her Mary.

(Catie is one of my very dearest friends from college. To read more about her click here.)

G'night...

She Knows What She's Living For

2009-08-14T06:12:00.004-06:00

I graduated from high school in a class of 23 seniors. And then I flew 3,000 miles across the country to become a freshman in a school of 30,000. We had no family nearby and I knew no one. The dorms were full so I stayed with friends of my parents those first few weeks. But one day near the end of September, I got a call that a room had opened on campus.

The next morning I went to check it out. I meandered through the covered walkways searching for the right building when I saw a couple of girls, a tall blond and a friendly brunette, walking in front of me. They looked nice and so I asked, "which way to T-Hall?" "That's where we live," they said. "You can come with us." As it turned out, they lived on the same floor where the open room was located.

Catie, the brunette, became one of my first friends at BYU. She was happy and easy going with friendly eyes and a quick smile. She was from Tennessee so we immediately had Southern rapport and I loved to listen to her play the fiddle (though she didn't do it often enough if you ask me). She and about eight other girls happily welcomed me into their group and our first year of college was filled with races in the laundry carts (and on my roomate's motorized wheelchair), "white trash registration nights" where we dressed up like white trash (I don't know who picked the theme) and stayed up to call in right at midnight to register for classes (this was back before online registration), football games, bus trips to Spanish Fork to watch movies in what amounted to a projector in a barn, tumbling on the extra mattresses in my room, strip spelling bees, and about a gagillion more pointless but SO fun activities.

The following year, our large group split into three smaller branches as we all moved to off-campus housing. Over the next few years some of us lost touch (luckily refinding each other recently through blogs and Facebook), but Catie and I always remained friends. We both enjoyed going to late night dollar movies in our pajamas. And oh, good golly miss molly, was she ever a movie talker! "Why are they doing that?" "What is going to happen?!" "How is she going to get out of that?" And I'd have to say, "Catie I've never seen this either and I'm not a movie talker, so let's not talk." It makes me smile to remember.

She left on her mission a few months before I left on mine and when she got back she found a wonderful man "who didn't bug her" to marry. They had two beautiful children and then a couple years ago when she was pregnant with her third she was diagnosed with cancer. I cried myself to sleep the night I found out. They took the baby pre-maturely so Catie could continue her chemo/radiation treatments. And soon enough the baby (Sarah Grace) and Catie were well and whole and healthy.

But after a year in the clear, we found out this past Spring that the cancer had returned, this time in her lungs, and that it is inoperable. As soon as I heard, I called Mandy, another friend from freshman year and together we cried for our Catie.

While I was home last month I drove up to North Carolina to see Catie and her home and her family. We didn't have much time, less than an hour, but we sat and we talked and we laughed and we cried. Even now, I cry. Not because of hopelessness (because it's never hopeless) but because of love--love for my friend, and all of her strength. Love for who she is and who she was. Love for who she is becoming.

And though she's tired, oh is she ever tired, she still fights. And though there are no answers to the why's, she still believes. And though this part of her life is not something she'd choose, she knows what she's living for.

Catie, we love you and pray for you and believe for you. And we're here. For you.

Parting Shot: 8/13/09

2009-08-13T21:31:00.006-06:00

This little lovely belonged to one of the sweet-grass basket weavers in Charleston. As I photographed her grandmother, she made it known that she wanted her picture taken too. Then she wanted to take a picture of her grandmother, and then a picture of me. And then she wanted to see them all on the camera screen. I wish I could accurately portray how the scene played out. But this picture, and those eyes, is all there is.

G'night!

The Wanderlust of a Gypsy

2009-08-13T06:14:00.005-06:00

I don't know if it's because I'm the oldest or if it's just the temperament I came with regardless of birth order, but I'm not one to make rash decisions. I'm not one to jump without looking first. I like to know what's going on and when, in advance. I like schedules. I'm careful and calculated when making decisions. When I go on a trip, I usually have what Frit (mockingly) calls the "travel folder" with all my reservations and maps printed, along with brief histories of interesting points of note along my route. Now this is not to say that I'm completely inflexible. I'm actually fine (well mostly fine) if the plan changes, I just like there to be a plan to begin with.

But ...

There's this other part of me, hiding deep behind the color coded planner, travel folders, and reminder alarms on my Blackberry. She's wild and Bohemian. She cares not for time or responsibility. She just wants to go, see, do, taste, be. She's the voice that whispers, "sell it all and go live on a beach in Costa Rica. Wear beads in your hair and rings on your toes and work each day only to eat that day. Travel from place to place and be a sort of Florence Nightingale meets Mother Teresa meets Michelangelo. Meet people. Love them. Teach them. Paint them. See where life leads you."

I know. I know. Very hippie new-agey I realize. But there it is. The truth in black and white. And generally this other part of me is content to sit quietly. But every now and again, she takes a step out of the shadows. At which point, the responsible me that dictates this life hushes her and reminds her about our bills and commitments and relationships. That we can't just up and leave.

But lately ...

My free spirit has been more bold and a bit more demanding. And I find myself caving to the beauty of possibilities, the prospect of freedom. No, I'm not headed for Costa Rica with nothing but a knap-sac. But on this last vacation, after the wedding festivities were over ... there was no travel folder to speak of. I know. I'm really living on the wild side. I was so totally invigorated at the prospect of flying by the seat of my pants. Turning left or right based solely on desire.

Frit and I began trying to leave the island in the morning, but with no plans and no schedule, it took a few hours to make it five miles as we wandered to our hearts' content. We stopped for lunch at a hole-in-the-wall dive where we had the most sinful sweet potato cornbread and key-lime pie. Oh and crabcakes. And hushpuppies. And macaroni and cheese. Ay-ya-yai.

We made a last minute stop for "one more hour" at the beach. We bought peaches on the side of the road. And with no map or idea where we were sleeping that night, we found ourselves two hours "off course" in Charleston, walking along the Battery, eating ice-cream cones as big as our heads that melted faster than we could lick 'em, leaving our fingers chocolate stained and sticky. We bought rings made out of antique spoons and browsed the handmades in the open-air market.

We stopped and talked for a while with this lady ...

And with this lady ...

And watched as they weaved their history into every stitch of their baskets.

At sundnown, we headed west, then north, and slept in a city whose name I can't even remember.

The next morning, it was (unfortunately) time to "report for duty." Real life was calling and I was forced to silence the gypsy inside reminding her that there was a price (plus interest) for her frivolity.

To which she replied, "That is fine. But you let me follow my wanderlust for a day and you loved it as much as I did. And it won't be long before you let me out again."

To which I replied, "You're right."

Parting Shot: 8/12/09

2009-08-12T21:00:00.005-06:00

I figured after this morning's post, this would be a perfect Parting Shot for today.
These are my feet. My big feet. And my long toes. Spread wide in a yoga stance on the coast of a vast ocean. Despite the shifting sand and tidal pull beneath me, I am balanced and content in the sanctuary of the shore.

Big Shoes, Bigger Feet

2009-08-12T06:00:00.004-06:00

Remember when I officially became a triathlete? Well, while I was training for the race, I found that I needed a lot of new gear. I needed a road bike, a new helmet, a swim cap, new socks, new sunglasses, a pair of spandex tri shorts (ugh), and new shoes.

Now most of that was easy to come by. The bike was a little expensive. Finding sunglasses that fit with a helmet was a little tricky. And the shorts were the only thing that caused nausea. But the shoes...well the shoes were another story.

Frit and I went to a local running shop where they do a foot analysis, which allows them to then make better shoe brand recommendations based on your arch and step pattern, etc. But before the saleswoman had me run on the computerized mat, she measured my foot.

My foot size has always been a source of internal discomfort for me. Basically, I have big feet. No, actually I take that back. I don't have big feet; I have long toes. But whichever way you want to spin it, it's hard to deny when even my dad (lovingly) called me Sasquatch in 5th grade. And once when we were giving/receiving pedicures at a Church activity, the lady giving me my pedicure exclaimed, "Ohmigosh! You have fingers for toes!" when she saw my feet.

So needless to say, when the saleswoman at the running shop told me my feet were size 11 and NOT the size 10 I was wearing, and that I should actually buy running shoes big so she recommended a size 12 running shoe, the room got a little fuzzy and I thought I might pass out. Apparently, your feet get longer as you get older--something to do with gravity (which is the bane of my existence these days...don't even ask me about my bosoms).

Long story short, I bought size 11.5 Adidas. I couldn't bring myself to purchase a size 12. And you know what? They made all the difference. When I was wearing a size 10 to go running, my arches hurt more, my ankles hurt more, and my back hurt more. In the 11.5's, my feet had room to move and bend the way they needed to in order to propel my body forward. I've also since noticed how cramped my feet feel and how much my hips hurt in my other, size 10, non-running shoes. For years I've been squishing my feet into size 10, which fit, but leave no breathing room or space for movement. Which brings me to my point.

When I was a child, I knew I could do anything, be anything, and go anywhere. I really believed that the sky was the limit. But somewhere along the way, around adulthood I think, fear and responsibility got the best of me. And though I don't like to admit it, I've been living small. I've been squishing my life into a size 10 when I'm really a size 11. I've been waiting for the right time to do such and such. Or waiting until I get to a perfectly planned point in life to be so and so. I've let who I am and what I do be dictated by jobs and bosses and bills, but mostly by my very own voice inside my head.

But lately I've been looking at my life differently and I want to say, out loud, that we are meant to live big. Meaning: we are meant to create our lives, not just live them. And that's just what I'm going to do. What do I want? Where do I want to be? Who do I want to be? I'm not totally sure yet. But I definitely don't want to be a size 10.

Parting Shot: 8/11/09

2009-08-11T21:00:00.000-06:00

On our way off the island Frit and I came upon one of the road side fruit stands that are so prevalent in the glorious South. And not just any fruit stand ... it was a peach stand.
Oh sweet mystery!
That is what I call heaven on earth. If I could've I would've packed you each a peach in my suitcase. But unfortunately, you'll just have to take my word for it. And the word is: Sweet. Juicy. Southern Perfection. Okay, that's four words. But nevermind my sister's wedding, the peach alone was worth the $650 plane ticket.

G'night!

New Heights Means New Views

2009-08-11T14:07:00.005-06:00

I recently signed up for an e-course in photography. And while it's been kind of a crazy time to add "one more thing" to my schedule, I've never been one to not have a heaping plate so I figured, "why not?"

While Unravelling (and photographing) the layers that make up me and my life, I've found myself becoming more aware of where I am at certain moments during the day (hence yesterday's post), where I'm headed, and where I've been. I've noticed neglected pieces of myself, as well as my indulgences towards other parts.

As you may have noticed, I've felt the ballooning of hopes and desires for a while now, and I've recently found myself balanced on the precipice of something new. Something exciting. Something still unfolding itself even to me. And while I wait (happily) for the view to open completely, I'm looking forward to sharing a few pieces of myself that I found along the climb.

Happy Tuesday to all of you.

Waiting

2009-08-09T21:55:00.004-06:00

This is Me. Waiting for the train. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized I seem to always be waiting. Waiting for the train every morning. Waiting for 5:00 and the work day to end. Waiting for the new season of Lost to begin. Waiting for love. Waiting for my turn. Waiting for the right moment to make my next move. Waiting to know what that next move is.

Maybe it's time to stop waiting.

Parting Shot: 8/6/09

2009-08-06T22:37:00.009-06:00

I love this picture of Karly and JJ at their ring ceremony. We held the event right next to a tiny harbour in the marshes--which was simply lovely--but what I adore most about this picture is Karly's face. Something JJ said during his vows cracked her up and I love that she thinks he is so funny. I think that's the way it's supposed to be.

G'night!

The Most Important Thing

2009-08-05T22:33:00.009-06:00

Karly and JJ were married, or what we Mormons call "sealed", at the Columbia South Carolina Temple. We believe that when a marriage is solemnized in a temple by someone holding the proper priesthood authority, it is recorded both here on earth and in heaven and that it is an eternal union--not just until "death do you part." This is one of the main reasons we place such a huge emphasis on families--creating them, strengthening them, and loving them--because they are forever.

I don't write much about my own personal experiences with love and relationships (or lack thereof) here on my blog for a lot of reasons. Partly because people say stupid things to "older" single people--not because they mean to or are stupid, they just don't know what to say, and in the absence of knowing what to say, people wind up saying really dumb things and well, I don't want to read dumb comments about being single. But mostly I don't write about my own experience with love and relationships because I'm still figuring it out. Figuring out how to live singly. Figuring out how to thrive singly. Figuring out how to date, who to date, where to find people to date, etc.

And I know (I know alright?) that I will find someone (or they'll find me), so don't leave that in the comment box. And I know I'm doing great things in the meantime, so don't leave that in the comment box either. And I know he's going to be great once I find him and that I've still got time, so don't think about leaving that for me to read first thing tomorrow morning. See what I mean? It's just too complicated to write about love and relationships because I have to include too many caveats about how I'm not sad or wistful or lonely or cynical or or too career minded or waiting for perfection. So now that I've scared you all away from the comment box, I do have one thing to say--one thing that I don't think needs any caveats. It is this...

As I sat in the temple, in one of the most holy places on earth, surrounded by friends and family, and watched my sister kneel at an alter holding hands with a good, loving man, making promises to each other and to God, I knew. I knew that that moment was what we, humankind, are here for--to find a spouse that we can create an eternal family with. It is where the truest joys are born. There is nothing worth more than that covenant and relationship. And there is nothing more important to me. Nothing.

I just wanted you to know.

***
Pictures at the temple:

(Me, Dad, Mom, Karly, Kaycie)

(Just the girls: Me, Grandma, Mom, Karly, Kaycie)

(Dad, Kaycie, Karly's BFF Josh, and me above)

(Me and Kayc AND the dresses)

(One more dress shot...I couldn't resists. Columbia Temple in the background. Cool stormy sky in the back-background)

The Family Biz

2009-08-04T13:55:00.005-06:00

If you've been following happenings here at the Haystack for any amount of time, you know that I come from the ocean, adore the ocean, wish I was at the ocean, and will live by the ocean again someday. You see, I grew up on an island off the coast of South Carolina. But more than that, I was raised on the docks of this island off the coast of South Carolina.

My formative years (and then some) were spent working in the family business, also know as: Adventure Cruises (Hilton Head Island's premier nature cruise and dolphin watch company). Even while I was swimming in my mother's belly, she was on the deck of a boat--working. Once born she would strap me on her back and off on a cruise I would go, babbling at tourists, growing my sea legs. There was even a cradle in the engine room just for me where I would fall asleep to the gentle rocking of waves and the hum of machinery.

Once old enough, I became part of my dad's crew, tying and untying the lines, running the snack bar, welcoming our passengers. During my teenage years, when I became opposed to the idea of sweaty work, I ran the office, answering phones, taking reservations and selling tickets, but (much to my chagrin) was still the pinch hitter if a deck hand didn't show for work. Like most teenagers, I didn't know what I had, even though it was right in front of me.

It wasn't until college that I understood how dreamy my life was. It wasn't until I became an adult that I began to cherish those hours in the wheelhouse with my dad. It wasn't until recently that I began to fiercely crave the tidal flow of our marshy waterways with all her colors and critters and sounds and stirrings. And the craving only grows more intense with every passing year.

So when I was home last month for "Wedding Week", a cruise on our boat was a must. And what a better way to meet our new brother-in-law's family than on a sunset cruise?

(My dad, the Captain, in the wheelhouse)

(Karly & JJ enjoying the view from the top deck)

(Dolphin, Starboard bow)

(Julie, Me, and Baby Kayc Face)

(Picnic dinner ... Southern style)

(Sunset through the Palmetto trees)

(Harbour in Broad Creek)

(JJ's grandma and my mom)

(Final moments of a fabulous sunset)

(Harbour lights after cruise)

[sigh]

The Best Part of "Wedding Week"

2009-08-02T18:57:00.014-06:00

Hands down, the best part of the Maurer-Barksdale Wedding Week Celebration was the boat-load of sister time I was able to enjoy. I am the oldest of three girls. There are no boys, and while, when I was younger, I thought it would be so cool to have an older brother, I now wouldn't trade coming from a family of all girls for anything.

I am totally enamored with my sisters.
And a week with my girls was just what the doctor ordered.

From singing at the top of our lungs and dancing in the living room...

(you should immediately download the Glee cast version of Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'". Immediately.)

... to dressing up to pick people up at the airport ...

P.S. we have THE most incredible dress up closet in the entire world at our house.
(The girl in the pink street walker dress is our "adopted" sister Julie. She looks just like us huh?)

... to mani's and pedi's at our favorite local salon ...

... to belting it out on stage at Kaycie's concert

(she's a singing mermaid at a show for the tourists who visit our island)

... to beach trips and bike rides ...

... to doting and lovin' on a gorgeous-in-every-way bride ...

... my week with Karly Barley and Kayc Face (the Baby) was so perfect, I found myself missin' them somethin' fierce when Monday arrived, "Don't Stop Believin'" popped up on the iPod shuffle, I was in Utah ... and they were not.

Yes. Sister time was definitely the best part of the whole week.

She

2009-07-24T00:21:00.010-06:00

is now Mrs. Karly Barksdale (i.e. married lady).

Congratulations sister. I love you.

Atlantic Sunrise

2009-07-22T09:06:00.011-06:00

I am at a loss for words.

The beauty of this place, my home, leaves me spellbound, intoxicated with happiness.
And I must share this morning's sunrise.
It's too lovely to keep to myself.

2 Bridesmaid Dresses? Check.

2009-07-20T12:36:00.008-06:00

40 hours

3 sleepless nights

2 pin-pricked fingers (luckily no blood on fabric)

750 yards of thread

15 seconds of crying

1 minute of thinking I might not be able to do it

3 heaven-sent pleas for help

1 conversation with my (dead) great-great-grandfather who was a tailor

2 finished dresses

Infinite amounts of pride and happiness

At 10:30 p.m. Saturday night I sewed the final stitch in my dress. At 10:31 I jumped in the shower. At 10:45 I was fully clothed and racing around my room throwing all my clothes (thanks Frit for doing my laundry) into a suitcase. At 11:30 I was on my way to the airport to catch my red-eye to Atlanta. Speaking of...I can say that a red-eye flight, especially one that is completely full, is the most uncomfortable, make-me-want-to-kill-myself way to spend 4 hours.

At 8:30 a.m. (EST) I arrived in Savannah. At 9:30 I arrived at Church, wheeled my suitcase to the bathroom (got a lot of weird looks) and changed out of my pajamas, into a dress, pulled my hair in a pony and threw on some make-up. At 9:50 I walked into the chapel and up to the stand, kissed my sisters (who were asked to speak in the meeting), hugged my dad (who was conducting the congregational hymns) and sat next to my mother. None of them knew I would make it in time for Church, so it was quite the reunion.

At 1 p.m. Church was over. I went home, ate a banana, put on my swimsuit and went to the beach where I promptly fell asleep surrounded by sand dunes, seagulls, and my lazy Atlantic waves.

I am happy.

1/4 of the Way There

2009-07-16T09:03:00.008-06:00

Well. Not really. The bodice is half of one dress but it's definitely the most intricate piece. And it still needs sleeves, and I still have to start mine (this is the baby sister's), but that's beside the point. The POINT here is that this much of one bodice is done and is fully lined. Did you hear me?! I said, "FULLY LINED!" This is by far the most intricate sewing project I've ever undertaken and while there were some tricky spots, I only used the seem ripper three times AND I'm thoroughly enjoying myself. All I need for contentment and joy is the gentle hum of my sewing machine, a little Miles Davis (or Doris Day. Either is acceptable.), and the stillness of a house at 1:00 a.m. But be forewarned ... clear vision at 6:00 a.m. the next day is impossible so it's best to stay in bed until 8:30, maybe 9:00.

Tonight? I tackle the skirt, sleeves, and sash!

Yip! Yip!

Up to my Eyeballs in Fabric

2009-07-14T22:41:00.007-06:00

Well I'm back from Girls Camp and it was a Mary Poppins week!

The girls had a fabulous time, case in point:

In a gorgeous location:

Between crafts, painting nails, night hikes, 1000 rounds of Scategories, learning how to start fires and tie knots, and eating their weight in s'mores, mint oreos, roasted starbursts, and cheetos, it was a total success.

Now that I'm back, I've got to finish sewing bridesmaid's dresses for the baby sister and I to wear at our middle sister's wedding in T-minus 8 days. Bottom line: I eat, breathe, and dream taffeta and satin. I've also still got to make a practice round of the wedding cake (she wants strawberry shortcake). And in any spare time, I'm unravelling.

Needless to say, it's crazy right now ... but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Talk Amongst Yourselves

2009-07-08T11:30:00.004-06:00

I am at Girls Camp this week with 250 (amazing) 12 to 18-year-old lovelies, 25 of whom I know personally and adore more than my Michael Jackson poster from 2nd grade. In my absence, I thought I would post a fabulous article written by a woman I do not know but agree with on every level.

I hope you enjoy.

I hope it makes you think.

I hope it makes you pick up the phone.

I hope it makes you out to lunch.

I hope it makes you talk. Really.

Read it HERE.